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Rhonda Britten: Welcome to Season 4 of Master Coach Mindset™. Hi, my name is Rhonda Britten and this Season I will be opening up my archives and sharing the most popular questions I’ve received over the last two decades from Coaches just like you. Whether it’s about the “Art of Coaching” or addressing your Clients questions about relationships, career, or self. Plus, I will be answering the questions you have right now about your practice and your Clients. Ask me anything you’d like at MasterCoachMindset.com. In today’s Episode, I will be sharing my answers to your questions straight from my archives. Today’s topic: Your Client and Relationships.
Rhonda Britten: Welcome to the Coaches Coach. My name is Rhonda Britten, how can I support you tonight?
Speaker 2: Rhonda, hi. Actually, to make it short I’m just going to refer to something from Starting Over.
Rhonda Britten: Okay.
Speaker 2: Towanda’s situation with her father and the breakup and the way it happened. And she was very disturbed by that and she was coached by Yama that that wasn’t her problem.
Rhonda Britten: Yes.
Speaker 2: I could never find my place in that. I wouldn’t know how to coach anybody to that extent, nor how to figure that out within myself personally. Because when a father leaves the family, he leaves the children as well.
Rhonda Britten: Yes, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2: He no longer is parenting. And how does the parent that is left, how does that parent refer to him?
Rhonda Britten: Well, it’s still that the kid’s dad. But there’s two things, one is Towanda was over 20 years old. She was in her twenties. So they’d already grown up and left the house. I think it’s different when the child are small versus when they’re in their twenties. The fact is that Towanda’s mother and father … Yes, he did have an affair. Yes, he left the family. Yes, he apparently abandoned them, but we don’t know what went on between the mom and the dad. We have no clue. And so the reason he left her, why did he have an affair rather than leave? We don’t know. All I know is that I’ve learned how great, I don’t want to say compassion, but great empathy for people in different situations because lots of people can’t leave unless they have somebody else. They don’t have the courage, they have low self-esteem. There’s lots of reasons that we don’t know about what causes someone to have an affair rather than do what we think would have integrity, which means divorce and then find a new mate. Are you talking about your particular situation with your small children?
Speaker 2: I am.
Rhonda Britten: Okay.
Speaker 2: The question is based on the ministry. When you give birth you obtain a ministry of training them in the way they should go. But now that one particular parent is no longer a part of that. They become a visitor.
Rhonda Britten: Yes. Yes. Well, that’s not necessarily true. It really depends on your ability to involve the father, since you’re the mother. And, or the father’s commitment to the children.
Speaker 2: And that’s the thing. Because I’ve extended every opportunity.
Rhonda Britten: Well, you can go the legal route, obviously. Just legally that he has to give a certain amount of money and that he has to spend a certain amount of time with the children. He’s probably trying to punish you through the children by not seeing them. I don’t know that, but that might be one reason. You can’t force anyone to be a parent. What you get to do, though, is never speak poorly of him. Just say your father’s choosing not to be here right now. How old are your children?
Speaker 2: The two I’m referring to are five and eight.
Rhonda Britten: Yep. So obviously five and eight are very small. You’re not going to take them into your confidence. That would be incorrect because they’re not old enough for that.
Speaker 2: Right.
Rhonda Britten: And you never do that, I don’t care how old the children are. Your job is to become very child-centered, which I think is what you’re asking. How do you stay child-centered, when you’re the only parent? Well, welcome to the world of single parenting. And it’s a tough reality. It’s a scary reality. You have every right to be resentful. You have every right to be upset. You have every right to be angry. Yet, you can’t really show your kids that. You’ve got to do it in an adult way and do it with your friends or your counselor, Coach, or your therapist. And you’ve got to be able to treat your mate, or your soon to be ex-mate, as the best you can be so he is continuously invited into the fold. But you can’t make him.
Speaker 2: Okay. Let me just make sure I understand this. Although I have already extended myself and he’s refused.
Rhonda Britten: And how has he refused?
Speaker 2: I also gave him the opportunity to continue to parent in that even if he went shopping once a month and could take them, that that would be a form of normalcy. Even if I washed the clothes, their clothes, just theirs, and he went to the dryer and took them just to keep it normal instead of just going to the movies.
Rhonda Britten: But it’s not normal. It’s not normal. To have your ex come into your house and do laundry is inappropriate.
Speaker 2: No. I’m sorry. The laundromat.
Rhonda Britten: Okay. I wouldn’t try to continue to pretend in any way that you’re together. So if you go put wash in and then he goes and dries, that’s not normal. You’re not together.
Speaker 2: But just the movies doesn’t seem … That’s not parenting.
Rhonda Britten: No, it’s not parenting. But you know, this is the opportunity for you two to talk about different activities, and bottom line is you’re not really necessarily, and this is the sad part, going to be able to make him do anything. You know? You can say, “Oh, the time with the kids is his time with the kids.” And yes, you can continue to share your goals. I would continue to talk to him about different things the kids are going through. Yes, you want him to go to teacher-parent conferences. Yes, you want to talk to him about the children’s challenges at school or in their personal relationships with their friends. You want to seek him out for counsel with that. You definitely want to continue to use him as a resource because he is their parent. But if he chooses right now to go to the movies with them in order to avoid emotional life, I hate to say it, it’s very typical because he’s shutting down emotionally. And I’m just warning that yes, if he wants to do laundry with them, great. But you can’t be anywhere near or have anything to do with your laundry.
Speaker 2: Right. Right. No, I understand that. But I will say that I’m just getting a little tired of trying to involve him and I’m really starting to just prepare to do whatever I need to do on my own. I’ve invited him to everything in the school. He makes excuses.
Rhonda Britten: Yes. But do you call him on it? Do you call him on it? Do you say, “You know what? Our children need you. You chose to have these children just as much as I did. Are you going to become a parent? Are you going to stay being a parent?”
Speaker 2: Actually, I called him one time and he did show up to the event. I don’t want … I guess-
Rhonda Britten: It doesn’t matter. You don’t get to choose. This is about your kids, not about you. This isn’t you get to choose.
Speaker 2: I do feel what you’re saying, but it’s about him when he chooses not to.
Rhonda Britten: I hate to break it to you. You’re the one that’s more conscious right now, and so you’re the one that’s going to have to play hardball. You’re the one that’s going to have to say, “You know what, I need you to co-parent with me. I need you to come to the school event.”
Speaker 2: And is it alright if I choose not to have a co-parent?
Rhonda Britten: I think you’re doing a huge disservice for your children. And if you watch Starting Over, I would hope that you see the detriment of that. I mean, look at Cassie, look at Rene, look at all the fathers that abandon their kids. Look at Rachel. I mean, almost every woman on Starting Over, not every, but almost every woman has had a parent abandon them.
Speaker 2: And I have as well.
Rhonda Britten: For ease of the other parent. Because what you’re saying is it’s easier if I just do it myself.
Speaker 2: It is. Absolutely.
Rhonda Britten: Yes. Well that’s parent-centered. That’s about you.
Speaker 2: And that is true.
Rhonda Britten: And I’m asking you to be child-centered. I’m asking you to put your children first. They’re five and eight. Please don’t make the easy choice, which you could get plenty of evidence to prove it’s the hard choice. You could read lots of books and get plenty of evidence that being a single parent is horrible and actually doing it is the tough choice. But you and I both know that the tough choice is you actually being child-centered and you going, “You know Frank, Harry, whatever his name is, this is tonight, Tuesday night, please put it on your schedule, it’s parent-teachers conferences. Seven o’clock works for me. Does that work for you? Great. I’ll meet you there.” You’re not inviting him. You’re telling him. This is what we’re doing. “The kids haven’t gone to the park all week. On Saturday when you have them, if you could please make sure they go outside and play at the park, that’d be great.” So, if you’re not willing to call him on … Because I don’t know, in the past, based on what you’ve said to me, and I don’t know if this is true, it seems like he wanted to be a father.
Speaker 2: That he wanted to be?
Rhonda Britten: Yeah. Was that true or false?
Speaker 2: I thought so.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah. So based on your previous relationship, he acted as if he wanted to be a father.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Rhonda Britten: Okay. So he still wants to be a father, but he’s going through the same awkwardness you are. You know? How does he have a relationship with his kids, and doesn’t stay intimate with you, and doesn’t stay involved with you? And how can he go on and start dating and having his own life? This is a very awkward time for the two of you. And the only way you’re going to get through it being child-centered is talking about it and actually saying, “This is really awkward. It’s really awkward. We’ve got to figure this out together. I want you to be able to go on and have a great life. I want to go on and have a great life and we’ve got to put our kids first. So how do you want to do this?” And that’s a definite courageous conversation. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2: It does. It does. Absolutely. And I guess I know that I can’t just bail out with him. He just makes it so difficult.
Rhonda Britten: Well, you know, the thing you have to remember, and again, it doesn’t mean that it’s right. It’s not right. What he’s doing isn’t right, but the thing is, is he’s in just as much pain as you are, or more even. Who knows how much pain he’s in. He doesn’t know. It’s awkward. He’s not in “Change Your Life in 30 days.” He’s not on this phone call with me. He doesn’t have the skills you do, or learning what you’re learning. So, you have to give him that caveat. You have to go, “Okay.” And not use it over his head either like, “I’m more aware and align than you are.” No, it’s just like, hey if you know that it’s awkward, you get to speak up. This is awkward. Sometimes I think it’s easier if I don’t call you, but I know that’s wrong. I know that’s being very parent-centered and not child-centered, and I don’t want that, and I don’t think you do. So, how are we gonna work through this? It’s actually bringing up the conversation. When I invited you to the parent-child conference, you didn’t want to go. What’s up. When you’re able to detach and not take it personally, you’re gonna be a much more effective child-centered parent, but right now you’re taking everything personally.
Speaker 2: Definitely.
Rhonda Britten: And so, every time he says no, you don’t have the wherewithal or the detachment to go, “What’s up?” Instead you’re like, “Okay, never mind. Fine. Whatever.” He doesn’t want to. Instead you get to go, “What’s up? What do you mean you don’t want to go?” This is gonna be a huge growing curve for you. Huge.
Speaker 2: Well, that’s definitely true. Yes.
Rhonda Britten: Good news and bad news. The good news and the bad news.
Speaker 2: Only one package.
Rhonda Britten: That’s right. But you know, you have said to me time and time again that you want … you care about your children. Well, now you get to prove it.
Speaker 2: Yes, I do. Wow. Woo-hoo.
Rhonda Britten: Anything else about this particular subject that you need clarity with before we complete?
Speaker 2: I think you’ve drawn quite a picture I think.
Rhonda Britten: All right.
Speaker 2: And it happens to be the answer that I just deep down in the gut, you knew.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, you knew. You knew.
Speaker 2: That you was gonna get, but you just was hoping. Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing, a loophole somewhere. Please, point it out.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, it’s like, oh if I convince Rhonda he’s a jerk, then she’s definitely, she’ll understand why it’s bad for the children.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. That’s what I was thinking.
Rhonda Britten: I know, but you know what, he’s just scared. He’s not a jerk. And you’re on the call, so you’ve got to make the tough calls.
Speaker 2: Yes, I do.
Rhonda Britten: This is where you get to grow up.
Speaker 2: I get to grow up.
Rhonda Britten: Yes, you get to be a parent with your little timer and your little sets of responsibilities and schedules.
Speaker 2: That timer is getting work.
Rhonda Britten: Good. Good. I’m glad. I’m glad.
Speaker 2: Well, thank you so much.
Rhonda Britten: You’re welcome. Thank you.
Rhonda Britten: How can I support you today?
Mary: Hey, Rhonda. In my coaching practice, my intention is to stay kind, compassionate, and supportive. Yet, sometimes I find outside in the world and also every once in a while I might find an issue with a Client that hits me at a personal level. One of the ways that that happens with me is when I feel someone’s being rude. I was wondering if there was a way for me to stay more focused in being kind, compassionate, and supportive.
Rhonda Britten: So, a couple things. One is I’d invite you to define kind, compassionate, and supportive. What exactly does that mean? What exactly does that mean in coaching? How would you treat your client? If you were kind, how would you treat a rude client? If you were compassionate, how would you treat a rude client? And how, if you’re supportive, how would you treat a rude client? So, how would you treat a rude client if you were kind, compassionate, and supportive?
Mary: Well, I might-
Rhonda Britten: And what is rude?
Mary: Yeah, exactly. I think what is rude, right. I think rude is different for different people.
Rhonda Britten: Yes. So, what is rude for you?
Mary: Well, this happened to me yesterday and it was outside of my coaching practice. Yet, I also know that sometimes things come up within the coaching practice, or if you have an experience with someone outside, and then you come into a coaching, that brings it in with you. I was simply making a phone call, and the person said, the person that I was calling for said, “They’re not here right now. What do you want?” Very abrupt, and someone that I will have to deal with in the future. So, I wondered, how do you stay kind, seeing people as innocent, which is what we practice, and practice being me also.
Rhonda Britten: So, if somebody’s saying, “What do you want,” what do you think is going on?
Mary: Well maybe they’re busy.
Rhonda Britten: They’re busy.
Rhonda Britten: Not really thinking about being kind and compassionate and considerate to the person on the phone. You’re not calling for them. They’re just trying to get back to their work and not get fired, or try to finish this project, or maybe they just got yelled at by their boss, or maybe they’re in a major fear of loss. Maybe their job’s on the line. Maybe their wife’s leaving them, their husband’s leaving them. Maybe they have trouble with their kids. So, in that moment, they get to let off a little steam by, “What do you want?” Now, if you were calling New York or New Jersey, everybody goes, “What do you want?” And that’s just the culture. That’s just the culture of the east coast is more than the west coast or the Midwest.
Rhonda Britten: So, one you’re having a judgment of what rude is, and two, I invite you to, if somebody’s rude to you, you can do a couple things. “Wow, I’m sorry for offending you. I’m sorry for upsetting you.” If you feel that upset go, “Gee, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Then they go, “Oh, I’m not upset. No, no.” “Oh, I’m sorry. The way you said that I just thought I upset you.” You could actually say what you think. If they’re rude, I would think that I upset them or that they didn’t want anything to do with me or that I was bothering them. I might say, “Oh I’m sorry for bothering you. I didn’t mean to take up your time. I was really looking for Sue.” They might go, “Yeah, yeah. No, no. It’s okay. It’s okay. No, it’s really okay.” Or they’re going to go, “Okay well then call Sue.” And that’s fine. So one, you can speak the truth.
Mary: And give them the opportunity.
Rhonda Britten: Give them the opportunity. I wouldn’t suggest going, “Well you’re being rude,” because then you’re judging them and labeling them. One of the things we wan to do is not label people. We want to actually go, “Okay, great. That’s where they are right now.” Then how can you support them and be true to yourself? It might be, “Well gee I’m sorry for upsetting you.” And not from a, “gee I’m so sorry for upsetting you,” but “oh, I’m sorry for upsetting you. You sound upset. Are you okay?”
Mary: I like that.
Rhonda Britten: You could say, “Are you okay? Everything okay?” “Yeah, everything’s okay.” “Okay, well great. Well have a nice day.”
Mary: Okay, I like that.
Rhonda Britten: So, a couple things. I want kind, compassionate, supportive, and then rude. And then I just have one little bit of little thing that I want to ask is if you are so afraid of people, just have that stuff about rude people, do you have a fear of having voice? Are you able to speak up about what you need to speak up about?
Mary: Well I think that I was thinking about all the ways I could avoid this person in the future. That’s what came up in the moment. Afterwards, I was processing through and I thought, okay so how is this gonna work for me because I don’t want to have this to happen again. So, maybe I just avoid this person. Then clearly that’s not the only way. I have other choices.
Rhonda Britten: Well, you’d really have to manipulate your life in order a lot, and then you’d have to be worrying about them, and they’d have a lot of power over your life if you actually thought about them. And avoiding them would take a lot of thinking, and thinking about them, and boy would they have a lot of power over you.
Mary: That’s right.
Rhonda Britten: They would be running your life. They go to the market, you can’t go to the market. They go to the meeting, you can’t go to the meeting. Literally you would have to become obsessed with them in order then to not deal with them. So what I invite you to do is yes, I want you to see the innocence, and I want you to pay attention to are you confusing having a voice and speaking your mind and saying the truth with kind, compassionate, and supportive.
Mary: Okay. I think there’s definitely some truth in that. Great.
Rhonda Britten: Are you complete or is there a way I can serve you anymore?
Mary: No, that’s wonderful.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, great. Thank you, Mary.
Rhonda Britten: How can I serve you today?
Speaker 3: Yes, Rhonda. I have a Client whose mother-in-law lives right behind her. Constantly invading her space and she seems to be totally focused on that, the demon mother-in-law. Her husband is chronically depressed, which he doesn’t have it to stand up to his mom.
Rhonda Britten: Well, there’s nobody to stand up to. There’s a woman in the back, in the house in the back who is lonely, probably scared to death. Probably needs attention, so she comes into the front of the house, as anyone would if they were feeling needy or feeling lonely or feeling fearful. They’re going to start seeking attention. Now, attention may be negative or positive attention, but attention is attention. So, the only thing your Client has to worry about is what’s okay with her and what’s not okay with her. It’s not about her husband. Her husband can have different boundaries with his mother, but she has to decide how she wants to be with her mother-in-law.
Rhonda Britten: I’ll just give you a little clue. For instance, it sounds like bad mother-in-law, so bad mother-in-law should change. Bad mother-in-law’s not gonna change unless the client changes. So, client gets to go like this. Let’s just say the mother-in-law’s name is Sue. “Gee Sue, thanks for coming into the house, yet I’m in the middle of a project, so just enjoy yourself. Talk to you later. Bye.” That’s one way. I don’t know if this, the mother-in-law bothers her, talks to her, whatever, but the bottom line is just because the mother-in-law comes in the house, the client does not have to have her life interfered with. She just goes, “Great, thank you. Enjoy yourself. I’m going to go up to my office now. See you later,” and does what she has to do. Mother-in-law keeps interrupting, comes into her office. Go, “You know what, I am in the middle of a project. I appreciate that you want to talk to me and I can do that at three o’clock or I can do that at four o’clock.” Whatever time she says. And she has to keep clear with that.
Rhonda Britten: Now this is the tough part. She must be consistent like nobody’s business, or the mother-in-law will continue to win. So, she literally has to be like a child. Three o’clock, three o’clock, three o’clock. Put a sign on her door. Do things that are proactive so that she’s taking care of her own boundaries. Now, whether her mom … Now does she want the mother in the house at all?
Speaker 3: She gets very upset when she goes and she comes back and her mother-in-law’s laundry is in her washing machine and stuff.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, but does the mother-in-law have a washing machine?
Speaker 3: I don’t know.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, so that’s key question. Does your mother-in-law have a washing machine. If she doesn’t have one, gee, isn’t that great that she’s trying to do it while you’re gone!
Speaker 3: True.
Rhonda Britten: Isn’t that nice?
Speaker 3: Right.
Rhonda Britten: That she’s not coming in while you’re there, I mean that is a gift!
Speaker 3: Right.
Rhonda Britten: So the bottom line is, your client, besides what I’ve already said, putting boundaries in place, she also has to get ingratitude. What are the benefits of having our mother-in-law behind us, and if she can’t come up with some, I bet she can, if she works really hard with your support. Two, she also must acknowledge all the things that she’s learning, all the opportunities she has to grow as a human being because of this experience. Great. And then what if the client, now, depending on what the client wants to do, but the client could take the laundry, take it out, fold it, and bring it to the mother-in-law and go, here you go, just wanted to let you know I really appreciate you doing it while I’m gone, it really helps me out. Thanks.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Rhonda Britten: Right. ‘Cause would you want the mother-in-law to come while you’re making dinner to do laundry? Probably not. So the mother-in-law is actually in that moment being considerate. So the client has no reality of what is considerate and what’s trespassing. So she has to get very clear. And what you’re job is as her coach, is to help her to get clear on what is trespassing, and what is consideration. If the mother-in-law lives there, she has certain for lack of a better word, “rights.” She has to do her laundry.
Speaker 3: Right.
Rhonda Britten: Does she have a refrigerator? Boy if she doesn’t like the laundry, then good, she can buy her mother-in-law a washer and dryer. “Well I don’t want to buy her a washer and dryer.” Well, then you have a choice. Well she has her own money. And she’s choosing not to spend it on that.” Well, I don’t like her living there.” And that’s your choice. So you can say, you can talk to your husband about that, and clearly your husband is not going to participate, so then, what are you going to do? You can’t make her life miserable, because then what kind of a person would that make you?
Speaker 3: Well, and it’s affecting her three young boys that …
Rhonda Britten: I mean, they have Grandma there!
Speaker 3: Right.
Rhonda Britten: So see, I hate, I’m going to say this for lack of a better way to say it. This woman has no perception … She has no ability to see reality, and she’s so caught up in her own lack, that all she’s focusing on is somebody else’s, so she can feel superior, and she can feel better. But the fact is, the mother-in-law is there, Grandma is there. There’s a wonderful opportunity here to have a relationship with her grandchildren that could be loving and kind. And because of her need to be in control of her house, and have control over every aspect, it’s actually stopping love.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Rhonda Britten: Does that makes sense?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
Rhonda Britten: Does it sound like it would apply to your client?
Speaker 3: Yes, yes it does. Absolutely. She’s been in reaction. She’ll leave the house, and she’ll run away.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, but what’s that about? I mean, why? What did the woman do? You know, give me a really horrible thing that she did, because right now I don’t hear anything horrible.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Rhonda Britten: I just hear that she comes into the house. Okay.
Speaker 3: She walks in without knocking, and she … I think it really is territorial.
Rhonda Britten: Absolutely. Sounds very controlling and very territorial, and it’s my husband not your son. Hate to break it to her, it’s her son. And unless she learns to honor her mother-in-law, not only it’s going to affect her relationship obviously with the mother-in-law, but also the children’s relationship. It’s going to do severe damage to her already very stressed marriage. And it’s not gonna get any better, and she’ll be able to walk away from that relationship and say, it was my mother-in-law’s fault, and it wasn’t, it was hers. She’s so self-absorbed, she can’t even see there’s missed loving opportunities.
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. Yeah, she’s so full of anger.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah. And what’s the anger about? What, because her mom wasn’t there for her, because somebody’s trying to get their needs met, and she’s not allowed to get her needs met?
Speaker 3: Right.
Rhonda Britten: So she’s not allowed to have a voice, so her mother-in-law can’t have a voice?
Speaker 3: Exactly.
Rhonda Britten: Because her husband’s depressed, and she has to put up, you know put up, probably she feels like put up with that. Now she has to put upwith her mother-in-law? That’s a choice she made.
Speaker 3: Right. She’s the victim.
Rhonda Britten: Oh, major victim. So, but calling her a victim is an easy way to kind of dismiss it. Instead, we don’t want to call it victim, instead, we want to say, okay, great, where is she in fear?
Speaker 3: Right.
Rhonda Britten: And how can we support her in living a Fearless Life inside of that situation? And there are many, many opportunities to love here. Many, many opportunities for her to stand in her power, build her confidence, and give up her sense of control and perfectionism, when her mother-in-law, to me, hasn’t done anything bad yet, is just trying to connect. And she could ask her mother-in-law, you know, “Mom, just in case I’m naked, could you just knock?”
Speaker 3: Right.
Rhonda Britten: Her mother-in-law probably just wants to feel like it’s home. Is that so wrong? Is that so wrong? No, it’s not wrong. So how, anything else I can support you, are you clear?
Speaker 3: I am very clear on this. I know exactly where I’m going to go with this.
Rhonda Britten: Excellent, great.
Speaker 3: I’ll talk to her tomorrow morning.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, thank you.
Speaker 3: Thank you!
Rhonda Britten: How can I support you today?
Speaker 4: I’d like support around how to support Clients if they’re feeling controlled by jealousy.
Rhonda Britten: Give me a situation?
Speaker 4: A woman who tells me that she goes into jealousy with her husband who’s an entertainer, and whenever she’s at a gig with him, there’s a woman present, she can’t contain herself.
Rhonda Britten: Okay. So first moment is, she chooses not to contain herself.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, so first of all, as a Coach, you’re going to remind her that’s a choice, and so what you’re saying to me is you’re choosing not to contain yourself. “Well no I can’t, I get this, you don’t understand.” Do you have a choice. Can you contain yourself in that. Well, it doesn’t feel that way, I understand, and is it a choice? Yes. So you can choose to contain yourself, and you choose not to. So what are the benefits of being jealous? What do you get? You know, what do you get when you’re jealous? What are benefits? Some of the benefits are that they get negative attention, that he gets to have to confirm that he loves her, and that she’s the most important person to him. So, what I invite her to start doing, is actually asking for the things she needs. And, going beyond him to get her needs met. So one of the things I’d work with her on, is a Fearbuster team. Does she have one?
Speaker 4: I’m not sure.
Rhonda Britten: Great. So that’s one of the things we want to work on, that she can get her needs met, not just by him, because the minute she sees another woman, she’s thinking that her needs will not be met. That’s where she goes, and she goes into fear, she goes into loss, she goes into rejection, and then she starts making things up to prove her point so she can feel loved. That’s so she feels superior, feels loved, feels righteous, and lets her Wheel of Fear in control. So it’s about one, is having her see choice, two, supporting her in having a Fearbuster Team, and appropriate way to deal with it, and three, having the courage for asking what she wants. I mean, what does she need, really? And I would really focus in on that, and really work with her to hone it down. So, is one call enough? Is two calls enough? You know, what exactly is it, because clearly she has a lot of needs, she’s feeling lack, clearly in fear, clearly feeling worthless, clearly getting her self-esteem from him, and so we have to build her self-confidence, and her sense of self. Does that make sense?
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Rhonda Britten: Anything else you want to ask about that, or are you complete?
Speaker 4: I’m complete! Thanks a lot!
Rhonda Britten: Great, well thank you.