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00:00:30 Welcome to Season 4 of Master Coach. Hi, my name is Rhonda Britten, and this Season I’m going to be opening up my archives and sharing the most popular questions I have received over the last two decades from Coaches just like you. Whether it’s about “The Art of Coaching,” or addressing your Client’s questions about relationships, career, or self. Plus, I will be answering the questions you have right now about your practice and your Clients. Go ahead and ask me anything at MasterCoachMindset.com. That’s right, go visit MasterCoachMindset.com and click on “Ask Rhonda Anything” and go ahead and ask.
00:01:01 In today’s episode, I’ll be sharing my answers to your questions straight from my archives. The topic today: “The Art of Coaching.”
CALLER ONE: JUDY
Rhonda Britten: Judy, hi, this is Rhonda. What can I do for you? How can I answer a question for you?
Judy: I have a great question.
Rhonda Britten: Okay (laughs).
Rhonda Britten: I love that, “I have a great question.”
Judy: And you’ll have a great answer.
Rhonda Britten: Oh, the pressure, the pressure.
Judy: Yes. I work with realtors. I work with top producers, I work with my own team, and actually, two of the people I work with are my sons and some team leaders. And what I’d love to have from you are some great tips on holding people accountable to their goal.
Rhonda Britten: Can you give me a specific example?
Judy: Well for example, maybe prospecting calls? Things of that nature. And just the desire to get the twenty percent done each day.
Rhonda Britten: And what are you finding is what they actually do?
Judy: I’m finding the day consumes them without them being in control of the day.
Rhonda Britten: Say that again?
Judy: I find that the day consumes them, mind you, I have the same issues as opposed to them being in control of their day.
Rhonda Britten: And what is their production level right now?
Judy: Well, I mean, they’re a real estate team. Forty million dollars per year, you know, over 200 units and so on. The team leaders I work with are working primarily on recruiting new agents. The other top producers I’m working with, we’re just trying to help them establish a perfect day, and working through it, and getting what they want done accomplished. But the accountability thing, I mean I still come from love that, sometimes I’m not tough and I don’t know that you have to be tough.
Rhonda Britten: I don’t necessarily think that you have to be tough, but I think that you have to be plain, plainspoken. Meaning what is love? What is love in accountability? Can you give me an example of that?
Judy: Well for me, I encourage. And sometimes I feel like, Rhonda, that I need to crack a whip.
Rhonda Britten: Well the thing is, I mean are you the owner of the business, or are you team person in charge of their results?
Rhonda Britten: Are you responsible for them?
Rhonda Britten: Okay. So what are the consequences put in place when they don’t make their quota? Is there any ramifications?
Judy: Well, there’s not money, and there’s not goals achieved. And potentially, with a couple of employees, it could be that we would have to talk about being de-hired. And I don’t want to do that. I mean I love them. I want them to do well.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, but the thing is, that are you their friend, or are you their employer.
Judy: I am their consultant. But I also choose to be a friend. Is that the problem?
Rhonda Britten: That is a problem. I am going to tell you because you will not be able to have the tough conversations. You will not be able to, because you are, what I’m hearing right now, Judy, is that having a conversation that could be perceived as tough, you know tough love, or difficult conversation is very challenging with a friend.
Judy: Well it’s challenging for me period.
Rhonda Britten: It’s challenging, period. So when you’re sitting here saying to me, how to make them accountable, what you’re really saying is, “how can I make them accountable without so I don’t have to have any difficult conversations?”
Judy: Yeah, I buy that.
Rhonda Britten: Okay.
Judy: But you did say a magic word, you said what is the consequence.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, what is the consequence? And so what’s really the issue at hand right here Judy, is your accountability. Not theirs. Because what I’m hearing is you are not necessarily modeling the level of – I don’t want to say the word respect – honoring them, yet not placating them. I want you to honor their greatness, and I want you to talk to their greatness. I want you to talk to them as if they are exceeding their goals. I want you to talk to them as if they are accountable. Have you ever done a time log with them? A life log?
Judy: You mean like a daily log?
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, I mean in my book Fearless Living in Chapter, if I remember correctly, Seven, I had something called a “life log.”
Judy: Yeah I remember you were talking about them.
Rhonda Britten: And have you had them do this?
Rhonda Britten: Okay, well I would absolutely put that in place right this minute.
Judy: I also hear you saying I should be doing the same thing.
Rhonda Britten: Absolutely. And what you want to do is allow them to kind of call themselves on it. Right now it’s kind of general, “Oh, I could be doing better. Oh, it’s general-general.” Well, change doesn’t happen because of general things. It happens because things are specific and people have insights. So unless they’re held to a standard, and you can say the entire office is doing this, we’re going to go into the next year powerful and on fire, and so the next month we are going to be doing this. And I’m not focusing on the results of the percentages, or any of that stuff, or the how many calls, I want to really know what you’re doing. I want to know what you’re doing every hour, and I’m going to do the same. And we’re going to get together every week, and what I want to find out is where you fly, and where you slide.
Judy: Where you fly and where you slide, is that what you said?
Rhonda Britten: Yep.
Judy: That’s cool.
Rhonda Britten: And you’re going to start seeing some people really are productive in the morning, while some people are productive in the afternoon. You might see that obviously, this is a function of eating as well. If you start seeing your employees, cause I want them to put food in and everything. If they’re not eating lunch, or taking a break and walking around the block, or doing something, no wonder their productivity has decreased. And no wonder they don’t have the emotional stamina to continue with going through the challenges.
Judy: Well, I’m intrigued by what you said about holding myself accountable.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, because it sounds like the real challenge is when you sit here and tell me that you want to hold them accountable, what I’m really hearing is, “I don’t want to have a difficult conversation, and I don’t want to be the bad guy. So can you can you give me the magic pill, Rhonda.”
Judy: Yes, please.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah (laugh).
Judy: It’s like get on with it Judy, yourself, right?
Rhonda Britten: Well the opportunity is that I’m not saying be a jerk. That’s not at all what I’m saying. I think you can be totally empowering from a place of service and honoring, but yet tell the truth. “You know Frank, I hear that you want to buy a home for your family and I hear that you want to send your child to private school. Yet what I see based on your lifelog is that you’re working at thirty percent capacity.” Because then you’re going to ask them to rate themselves. You’re gonna say, “what percentage?” And they’re going to go, what? “Well I’m just wondering what kind of lifestyle you’re gonna have, or what kind of things you can provide for your family, or how you’re going to feel about yourself producing at thirty percent like you are right now. Because you’ve just admitted to me that every three out of ten times, you do it. Well, that’s thirty percent, Frank, is that okay with you? He’s going to go “no.”
Judy: Oh that’s a good question, “Is that okay with you?”
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, because your job is not to be gestapo, your job is to go, “is that okay with you?” Because there are going to be some people that work for you, that are going to work at the thirty percent level, and you know what, that’s going to be the way they are. And you have to make a choice whether that’s acceptable to you.
Judy: I mean it’s not.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, and that’s going to be a choice. But the thing is that they don’t even know what level they’re at, and neither do you necessarily. It’s all kind of probably general and haphazard.
Judy: Based on the hip observations.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah, so it’s based on feelings, it’s not based on specifics, and that’s how people can take it personal because it’s not specific. So if you have them do the work, you’re teaching them a method of accountability, you’re supporting them in being accountable, you’re doing a method accountability too, and then after the fact, you’re supporting them increasing from thirty to thirty-five percent. Because I don’t want you to go in as many, many people do and go let’s get to one hundred percent. No, if they’re at thirty, you want to get them to thirty-five, and then to forty, and then to forty-five, and then seventy.
Rhonda Britten: Exactly. Cause if you tell them to go from thirty to sixty, to double it, they’re going to break down. They may be able to maintain it for two weeks, but the third week they’ll definitely break down. Their muscles won’t actually be able to handle the emotional strain that they’re actually pushing themselves through, emotionally. Now, you have four weeks in the next month. You definitely, definitely, could have significant changes.
Judy: That would be awesome.
Rhonda Britten: And you have to be willing to do the same thing.
Judy: Yeah, I am. I am.
Rhonda Britten: Great.
Judy: I mean because I feel I come out of love because I want them to be great. No good, just great.
Rhonda Britten: And what does that mean to you? And have they bought into the dream?
Judy: Definitely. We’re all on the same page with the dream.
Rhonda Britten: Are you sure?
Judy: Yeah. We’ve had that discussion, and we’ve had talks, each of us, and actually, my one son and I are having a very lengthy discussion next week, figuring a business plan for next year. But then my challenger course will be to support him in making it happen.
Rhonda Britten: And also allowing him to do it his way. And allowing the business to falter a bit if while he’s getting his feet wet if that’s what it takes. You’ve got to think of short-term versus long-term.
Judy: You know, that is very powerful what you just said because he is my replacement for our team.
Rhonda Britten: And then, therefore, you must allow him the process of finding who he is, and learning the skills of delegation and negotiation and support. And the numbers may go down before they go up. And you have to think long-term. You cannot think short-term. Short-term, you’re going to freak out, it’s not going to be supportive, he’s going to feel unheard, he’s not going to be able to falter, and faltering is part of the process of him becoming a leader. And therefore, so, long-term is how you have to focus on. In your mind, like your mantra’s got to be: the long-term, the long-term, the long-term, the long-term.
Judy: Big picture, big picture.
Rhonda Britten: Big picture, long-term, big picture, long-term. And then, therefore, you can have the patience, and also you’ll be getting more courage to do the things that are necessary in the short term because it’s for the long-term.
Judy: No, that’s huge. I appreciate that. That was good.
Rhonda Britten: Anything else? Regarding the same exact subject?
Judy: Yeah, that was my big thing because I know I should be doing this better.
Rhonda Britten: Let’s just stop right there, you should be doing this better?
Judy: That was not empowering, was it?
Rhonda Britten: Exactly, no and if you work around saying you should, you’re having your own demise of expectation, and therefore, you’re breeding the feeling of, oh I’ve got to do things out of guilt, obligation.
Judy: My choice is to better myself.
Rhonda Britten: Your choice is to fulfill your potential and to do all you’re capable of doing and willing to courageously move through. Are you really willing to do what’s necessary? To stretch beyond anything that you now know. And are you willing to really transform your life every minute? And if you’re willing to transform your life every minute, you must be willing to let go of your life every minute. And if you’re not, then you’re really not playing the game. You’re not really in for it. Then you’re attached. So that’s why I say, for your son, if he’s going to be taking over the helm, you’re – which I have just gone through myself, having Coaches now, and letting go of how they do things, and the way they coach exactly. Because I would coach this way, well they’re coaching that way, well wait a minute. Does that make sense? You know what I mean?
Judy: Another store could still get it done.
Rhonda Britten: In their own unique way that’s going to fulfill them, and sooner than later they’re going be on fire with life because of it.
Judy: In light of that, let me just toss this one into the thing. One of the people I work with who has awesome potential; there’s just a total lack of detail. Any just tips on helping someone detail their world? That’s a pretty general question though.
Rhonda Britten: Well, I’m just going to say some people are big picture and some people are detailed. That’s just the way it is. And I hate to say that, kind of blanket it, I gave you general answers, and the fact that some people are detailed and some people are big picture – I’m very much big picture. But I have learned to be detailed because of the lifelog. Because your level of awareness. Details are all about levels of awareness. So how can you support him or her, increasing their level of awareness? The lifelog is your first tool here, because of the accountability issue.
Judy: Okay, that’s cool.
Rhonda Britten: And I would pair him up with somebody who is detail oriented. Even in powerful partner situation, whether they’re even supported, whether they work together, or just support each other so he can have a sounding board for the details.
Judy: Yeah we have put somebody in place, and I told her part of her role is to support him with handling details.
Rhonda Britten: And I would be sure that is her number one role. Because if he’s a big picture person and she’s detail person they’re going to be on fire.
Judy: Yeah. I heard the word “intrapreneur” the other day. I thought that was cool.
Rhonda Britten: Excellent. Well thank you, Judy, for your call, I really appreciate it.
Judy: Thanks. No this was cool.
Rhonda Britten: Thank you.
Judy: Okay, make it a good day.
Rhonda Britten: Thank you.
CALLER TWO: DEBBIE
Rhonda Britten: How can I serve you Debbie?
Debbie: Yes, when I’m on a call with a Client, I get overwhelmed by all the coaching opportunities that are there. How do I know which one to choose and if I’m on the right path?
Rhonda Britten: Great question, Debbie. Well first of all, what I invite you to do is, there is no right coaching opportunity, not the right one, the perfect one. I invite you to start practicing which ones really calling to you. Because clearly, we could stop them any place. We could stop them in their language, we could stop them on their excuses, we could stop them on their expectation, so there’s two ways to look at it. One is, are you working with them on specific things. If you’re working on expectations, or you’re working on excuses, then focus on that. Use those opportunities to stop them and coach. Another way to think of it as, when you’re getting a strong reaction, either you’re getting a strong reaction, or you’re giving a strong reaction. So, are they congruent? Because bottom line coaching is about being congruent. So you’re looking for when they’re not congruent, those are another way to think of as coaching opportunities. So basically I’ve told you three ways.
Rhonda Britten: One is coach on the opportunities that you’re focusing on, expectations, coach on those. Two, coach when you’re having a really strong reaction like something’s clearly not right, and when they’re having a strong reaction. And then three, when you’re feeling they’re incongruent. I personally work on incongruency. When I hear them go, “Yeah I can do anything but you know I’m really scared about moving forward, and I don’t think loves me.” Okay, wait a minute, thought you just said you could do anything. Which one is it? So, I’m always seeking clarity, and when they’re incongruent, they’re not clear. So, if I can look for coaching opportunities to support them in being congruent, then I’m actually moving them forward. Does that support you?
Debbie: Yes, that does.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, are you complete?
Debbie: Can I just follow up.
Rhonda Britten: Yeah go ahead.
Debbie: So, if it takes you away from, let’s just say you’d gone through the Wheel of Fear.
Rhonda Britten: Yes.
Debbie: And they come up with something, and it takes you away from that.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, that’s a great question. So, let’s say you’re focusing on expectations, or the wheel of fear, or excuses. And they get into storytelling, let’s say, and it kind of could veer you off. What I invite you to do is go, “Okay that’s really great,” write yourself a note, and go, “Okay, super, and totally hear that, and what I want to do right now is get back to the Wheel of Fear.” Or, “What I want to do is get back to the expectations.” Or another way to ask it is, “What is it that’s driving you to tell me this story when we’re in the middle of working on your wheel of fear? Tell me the relevance of this story, and tell me how it relates to your wheel of fear so I can understand the reason for you telling me the story.” If they can’t give you a relevant then go, “Great, great story and we’re going to talk about the wheel of fear. So I want us to do is focus on that.” Does that make sense?
Debbie: It does.
Rhonda Britten: They’re trying to veer you off. They’re not gonna want to talk about what you want to talk about. They’re going to try to go over here, so they can keep going in their muddled way, in their frustrating way. Your opportunity is to start understanding, well what does this have to do with what we’re talking about. And if it doesn’t, then wait a minute, let’s right it down. We can come back to it. But right now we’re staying here.
Rhonda Britten: So you’re complete?
Debbie: Yeah. Thank you.
Rhonda Britten: You’re welcome, thank you.
CALLER THREE: SANDY
Rhonda Britten: How can I serve you today?
Sandy: Well I’ve got a question, how would you work with a Client who thinks they already know all the answers? Things like, “well I know that,” or “I already do that.”
Rhonda Britten: “Great, so how you doing it? So, has it changed your life? Great that you do that, that’s fantastic that you know that. So, how’s this supporting your life, how’s it changed your life? How are you implementing it right now in your life? How’s it going for you?” And what do they say? “Well, you know, I’m not doing it.” Oh, I see, you know it, but you’re not doing it. Well, let me give you a secret, knowing it and doing it are two different things. And you can read every self-help book in the world, but unless you start acting out and taking risks on the things that you know, you’re never really going to embody them, and you’re never really going to be able to change your life. So knowledge is one of your greatest enemies. Knowledge is one of your feared responses. When you get fear, you gather knowledge so you can think you know, but yet you’re not implementing it in your life. And so, what do you think would happen if you implemented just this one idea into your daily life? What could happen, if you just did one?
Rhonda Britten: “Well but I know it. I know what would happen.” Well, do you know? Are you sure? You know it for a fact. “Well, you know I’ve seen it happen before.” To you, or to somebody else? Have you done it? “Well no I haven’t done it cause I already know what’s gonna happen.” Okay, so if you already know what’s going to happen, do you know what’s going to happen regarding every single thing that you know, do you already know the result? Wow, you’re really smart, you really know a lot, and you’re really in a can, you’re in a can of worms then aren’t you? Boy, I don’t know what to tell you. If you’re not willing to try some of the things that you know, cause you think you know the answer, then you’ve put yourself in a box. That’s why I invite you to think about, do you like the box?
Sandy: Yep. That’s exactly what’s happening, yep.
Rhonda Britten: Oh, absolutely. I mean, I used to be that way. I mean I remember, I used to read every self-help book. I knew all the stuff. I mean people would talk to me, “I know, I know,” but I never implemented a darn thing. And until I started creating my own program and actually implementing what I thought, my life didn’t change. So, people that are self-help junkies, personal evaluate junkies, they’re knowledge is sometimes their worst enemy. Because they have so much, and that’s one of their fear responses. I’m looking for the magic answer, that’s what that knowledge means. It’s like I’m just looking for the magic answer, that means no work. Effortless, it’s going to propel me forward, and it’s just going to be magic. And your opportunity is to go “great, how’s that been working for you?”
Rhonda Britten: You found the magic? Cause if you do, please tell me. Cause I’d love to know that magic too. All I know is that the realizations in my life, and then taking action on them, becomes magic. But I don’t know any magic that all of a sudden becomes happens without me taking action. And that includes prayer. You can pray, but you still got to act.
Rhonda Britten: Anything else about that Sandy?
Sandy: Yeah, sort of along that line, that they’ll sometimes say, “well I’ve tried that.”
Rhonda Britten: Great, how many times have you tried that? How many times have you tried that? Have you tried it a hundred times?
Sandy: No, just a couple.
Rhonda Britten: Okay, a couple. Let me just tell you something about skill building. Usually takes about fifty, sixty, a hundred times to actually embody it enough so that it works consistently. So have you tried it fifty times?
Sandy: No, not even close.
Rhonda Britten: Great, so what I’d like you to do is start. We’re going to start counting fifty times. And if you’ve practiced this fifty times and it still doesn’t work, then we’ll discuss the right thing for you. But bottom line is, every time you practice, you get to refine your skill. And I don’t know about you, but I want to be masterful. Do you want to be masterful?
Sandy: Well yeah.
Rhonda Britten: Great, if you want to be masterful, then I really invite you to practice fifty times. That includes conversations with your spouse, that includes conversations with your job, that includes changing your job, that includes anything. Fifty times, to a hundred.
Sandy: Wow. Wow that’s a lot.
Rhonda Britten: Absolutely. But the bottom line is, every time you do it, you’re refining your skills, you’re embodying it more, and it’s becoming more apart of you, rather than just an idea in your brain. Isn’t that something you’d like? Is that something that turns you on?
Sandy: Yeah that makes sense.
Rhonda Britten: Great.
Rhonda Britten: But that’s a really good one Sandy, because it happens all the time. People tell me all the time, “oh I tried that,” I go, “really? Wow, how did it work?” “It didn’t.” “Great, so how many times did you try it? Did you practice again?” “Well no, it didn’t work.” “Oh, oh okay, so one time, is it?”
Sandy: That’s it, that’s it.
Rhonda Britten: That’s it. So you told somebody you loved them once, and they didn’t say, oh I love you back, and so you’re never going to say the word again? You know, if you quit the first time, the bottom line is that you’re really not willing to take the risks, you’re really not willing to face your fears. You’re wanting other people to make your life easier, and it’s not their job to make your life easier. It’s your job to make your life easier by taking risk after risk after risk after risk, building skills, building skills, building skills, building skills, building confidence, and then all of a sudden you’re jumping leaps and bounds.
Sandy: Wow. Great.
Rhonda Britten: Are you complete Sandy?
Sandy: Yes, that helps.
Rhonda Britten: Great.
Sandy: Thanks so much.
Rhonda Britten: Thank you.