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00:00:53 Welcome to Master Coach Mindset™. My name is Rhonda Britten, your host and Master Coach, and I love coaching. I know I’ve told you that many times, but I’m probably going to tell you many more because coaching saved my life. Every day that I work with Clients whether it’s in a one-on-one environment, a group, course, online course, a live workshop, a private VIP day, however I’m working with my Clients. Their lives are changed each and every time I ask a question that really hits home.
00:01:26 The Eight Coaching Skills that we’re talking about this Season, in Season Two of Master Coach Mindset, are the Eight Coaching Skills that I teach my Coaches. They don’t just listen to a podcast; this is the beginning, the first step. I really want you to hear that. The podcast is meant to open your mind, open heart, give you some tools and techniques and some skills to have you start thinking about how you could become the Coach that you’re meant to be. The best Coach you could possibly be.
00:01:57 Then we have to practice these skills. Me talking about them is one thing, then your job is to embody them. I really encourage you to do that because your coaching will dramatically improve no matter how good you are now, and it will also give you more confidence, not only in your coaching skills but in life, period. These coaching skills, if you’ve been listening to the last 10+ Episodes, you know that they don’t just apply to coaching. They apply to life.
00:02:29 Our first coaching skill, “Speak as if They’re Innocent,” that’s a spiritual perspective, spiritual philosophy, spiritual principle that if you just do that one skill will completely shift the way you see the world and shift the way you see yourself. It’ll change the way you talk to yourself. Every skill in and of itself will literally radically change the way you see the world and your Clients, the way they see the world, and how they experience the world, and how they interact in the world, engage in the world.
00:02:58 This Episode today is about the Fifth Coaching Skill. We’ve done Four Coaching Skills already. If you’ve not listened to those Episodes, I encourage you to go on back and start with Episode One of Season Two, so you can get the full depth and breadth of what I’m talking about. Today is the Fifth Coaching Skill. Today’s Coaching Skill is: “Speak with No Preconceived Notions.” That is easier said than done because the way our brain works is to save energy because that’s how our brain views everything is to save energy.
00:03:38 We only have “so much energy” as a human being going throughout our day by what we eat, by what we drink, how much we sleep, the activities that we engage in, how much love we receive, and give and receive. So many aspects of our life determine our capacity our energy capacity. Just for the sake of this conversation, let’s just imagine that you have 10 units of energy. You have much more than that, but just for the sake of this conversation let’s imagine you have 10 units of energy.
00:04:08 If you had to have no preconceived notions all the time if you weren’t skilled at it yet if it was a brand new skill for you, to never assume, never judge, never label, never put people in a box takes more energy. Now we have to allow it to unfold, allow the event to unfold, ask questions to get to know what’s really going on. It takes more energy to have no preconceived notions and it can make us feel more vulnerable.
00:04:48 It can even make us feel unsafe if we don’t really understand how to do this when first starting. It’ll be different and weird, and it’s something we all want to get better at, but we just hope we do. We don’t necessarily practice doing it, and that’s the difference between, “Gosh, why do I judge so much, ” versus “Okay, let’s practice not judging. Let’s practice seeing people’s innocence. Let’s practice no preconceived notions.” We have to practice something in order to replace it, in order to shift it.
00:05:15 Having no preconceived notions means that you’re going to step away from assumptions and expectations, judging and labeling. Now, let’s go back to that brain. If you only have 10 units a day your brain is wired to put people in boxes, to label them, so that you can reject or accept really quickly. You see somebody with a blue shirt on you say, “I don’t like blue,” you don’t talk to them. You don’t bother with them. It’s a way to move through your day more quickly and to save energy.
00:05:46 I really want you to hear that because “Speaking with No Preconceived Notions,” to really look at the world through no assumptions, no expectations, no judging, no labeling, etc., takes more effort until it becomes your way of life. Then you’re back to using just the minimal amount of energy. In the beginning, when you do it, it takes more effort because you have to actually stop and say, “But I don’t know who that person is that is wearing the blue shirt.” In the past anybody with a blue shirt you just cut them off and not deal with them.
00:06:17 That’s why so much of our challenges with people, with race, with gender, with sexual orientation, all those types of things, you hear people all the saying, “Well, your daughter is gay,” or “Your business partner is gay.” “Well, yeah, but they’re different.” Research has shown that when you know somebody’s sexual orientation, gender, race, etc., then you have a more personal experience with them, and then those labels drop away.
00:06:48 Most people don’t drop the labels because they don’t trust themselves. They don’t … I don’t want to say open-minded, but it is open-minded, and it is openhearted. It’s really discovering who the person is. Going back to Skill One, which is “Speak as if They Are Innocent,” you’ve got to be willing to say to yourself, “Well, what if I wasn’t allowed to label them? What if I wasn’t allowed to assume that I knew who they were? What if I no longer judged anything about them?”
00:07:22 Same thing with gossip. Let’s go to gossip for a minute. Let’s say you hear gossip from somebody about a woman at church. The gossip is “Oh, she’s really a loosey-goosey. You don’t want to hang out with her,” and so you go to church. Maybe you met her before you heard the gossip, and you really enjoyed her company, but then you heard the gossip, and then you’re like, “Oh, yeah, I can’t be friends with her.” You cut her off, but it’s gossip. It has nothing to do with reality, and it is not necessarily true.
00:07:51 All of this judgment, labeling, a lot of our political issues, a lot of our race, gender, and so on are because we’re trying to save energy and we’re not awake to how our brain automatically does this. We actually believe ourselves when we’re labeling and judging. We actually believe it because we don’t know any other way to do it. The problem becomes, and we’ve all experienced this probably by now, is that there is somebody you want to get to know. There is somebody you like that you’ve put in a box before, and you’ve got to let the box go in order to connect with them. That takes courage, and that takes fortitude, and it takes effort.
00:08:33 Number Five: “Speak with No Preconceived Notions” is literally no assumptions, no expectations, no labeling, no judging. I’m just going to do a side note for a minute. Coaches ask me, “Well, Rhonda, how many Clients should I have when I first start my practice?” Well, I think for most people a full-time practice is about 20 Clients just like a therapist. Usually, a therapist about 20 Clients, coaches about 20 Clients. You can go above it, below it, whatever your energy level is.
00:09:05 When you have four Clients in a row, and I bring this up to my students in my Life Coach Certification Program™, is when you have four Clients in one day the first time you’ll be exhausted. You’ll have been practicing no assumptions, no expectations, no labeling, and no judging for the entire Session. That means that you are using more energy because it is not a skill that you’ve mastered yet, something you haven’t practiced.
00:09:32 In order to Coach a Client, to really help them become who they’re meant to be, to achieve their goals, to live their destiny and purpose, you have to walk in with no preconceived notions. You have to walk in with no expectations, no assumptions. You can’t buy in just like we didn’t buy into our last skill. No fake cheerleading, remember? You’re not going to buy in.
00:09:59 No, we’re instead going to say, “Let’s see if I have no assumptions, no expectation, no labeling or judging, etc., then the questions that I ask are going to be different, are going to be more depthful, are going to be more impactful, are going to be more impactful, are going to be more open-minded. They’re going to open their minds, open their hearts, open the way they see the world, shift their filters.” “Speak with No Preconceived Notions” is going to rattle and expand and blow up what’s possible for your Client. You doing it in your own life will have the same effect.
00:10:36 If you find yourself in a box, your Clients find themselves in a box. Most of the time our Clients come to us because they don’t like the box they’re in. They don’t like whether they’re dating or not dating. They don’t like their income or they don’t have enough income, or the income they have is from a place they don’t like to do. Everybody is saying that they’re in a box that they want to get out of. “Speak with No Preconceived Notions” is critical. No assuming.
00:11:01 Imagine the types of questions you’re going to ask your Client if you could not assume that you know what they’re talking about. If your Client says, “Oh, my gosh, I just want to find my soul mate.” You have your own definition of soul mate, but you don’t know their definition of soul mate so you must ask, “What do you mean by soul mate? How would that soul mate make you feel? What kind of qualities would that soul mate … How do you know they’re a soul mate? What does it make a person … What adds up to, i.e., soul mate?”
00:11:32 When we’re having no preconceived notions, we’re also asking the questions that help our Client really understand what they really want because, again, people are just talking, “Oh, I want a soul mate. Oh, I want to triple my income.” They don’t actually even know what they mean. They don’t even actually know what it’s going to get them. They don’t have a real deep connection to it. By walking in with no preconceived notions we’re actually creating a deeper connection to the very thing they want, so they have more motivation, more inspiration to actually make it happen.
00:12:00 The one thing we can be sure of is our own perspective and our coaching. Just like when a Client says, “I want to find my soul mate,” and you say “soul mate.” You guys might have completely different definitions of soul mate. You might not even know your definition of soul mate. Our opportunity always is to open our hearts, open our minds, open the way we see the world so that we can see what’s really the path for us, where our real true next best step is. If we’re in the box, when we’re labeling, when we’re judging, when we’re having assumptions and expectations, we’re always going to choose a safe path in our box.
00:12:43 If you want to get out of the box, you have to give up everything that you think may be right or wrong and actually discover what’s true. Let me say that again. It’s really important. If you’re stuck on right and wrong, you’re always going to live in the box of right and wrong. Where I want to support my Clients to get is the truth, their truth to live what’s really real for them because I want my Clients to get beyond right and wrong. I want my Clients to get beyond expectations and assumptions. I want my Clients to actually build their energy system so that they can actually make the effort to discover someone for the first time as if it’s the first time always.
00:13:27 It’s so fascinating to me because Clients come to me about many things: business, love, health, and wellness. You name it I’ve coached it. So many times my Clients say to me when they’re dealing with a love issue, and they go, “Oh, I can’t do that because my husband, my wife, my partner, my spouse won’t like that,” or “I don’t know. I’m going to change too much. I’m going to leave them behind.”
00:13:51 I don’t know about that. Are you able to look at that spouse, that partner, that mate with no preconceived notions and start discovering who they are beyond what box you keep putting them in? That’s how marriages are saved. That’s how people change. If the person is still in the box and you keep in them in the box, then it’s going to stay the same, and you’re doing that Client, that mate, that partner, that person no service.
00:14:23 No preconceived notions. Imagine you don’t know what they mean by soul mate and you’re not going to ask. Whenever we assume, we’re actually disconnecting from whom we’re talking to, and instead, in our box, we’re stuck in our box. We’re not actually with the other person. Imagine that. We’re not even with the other person because if we’re in our box and we’re having preconceived notions, then we’re living inside our own filter and inside our own box in a relationship. We don’t even know what’s possible.
00:14:55 To stay away from assumptions you’ve got to ask questions like, “Well, what do you mean by that? What’s the definition? How would you know you’re doing it?” to help them discover what they’re really going for, what they’re really going after, what they really want. If they’re having problems with people, relationship issues which 99% of our Clients will have; whether it’s with a business partner when they’re trying to triple their income, or whether it’s with their mother, or a family member when they’re trying to get healthier, or our mate, or whether it’s love and feeling judged when they’re going out on dates.
00:15:34 All these things are about people. When you see your Clients through that no preconceived notions, you’re teaching them a skill that they may not even know that they want or need. Just by your questioning it is opening their heart and opening their mind; having them face themselves in a new way. I want my Clients to move beyond right and wrong. I want my Clients to move beyond the box. I want them to know the truth. I want them to be in their truth.
00:16:14 If you have those preconceived notions, if you are in the right and wrong box, truth gets obscured because the truth has to fit in the box, so it’s not truth at all. It’s only convenient truth that fits in the right and wrong box, or the blue box, or the green box, or whatever box it is. The only way we can grow as human beings to the level that we’d like to, to the level that we say we would, and this is on a spiritual plane, this is in human reality, this is anywhere about everything, is giving up preconceived notions. Giving up that labeling and judging.
00:16:47 You’re going to be exhausted. You’re a new Coach, and you coach four Clients in one day for the first time, you’re going to be exhausted. You’re going to say to yourself, “Well, God, I only worked four hours.” No, you used new energy. You had to go beyond the box. You had to ask, “Well, what did you mean? What’s your definition? Was that a little? Was that a lot? Tell me about that. What percentage is that?” All of that takes your willingness to be wrong about everything you know.
00:17:17 Are you willing to be wrong about everything that you know? If you’re willing to be wrong about everything you know, everything can change. As I said, it’s not about being right. We want to focus on what’s working and not working. We want to focus on open-minded and open-heartedness. We want to move beyond labels and judgments and assumptions and expectations.
00:17:40 This is what I know to be true as well as a Coach, that I never know how one comment, one question, one action that I do in relation to my Client, how it can shift their perspective. The same thing goes with your Client, and their relationships is one question, one comment, one shift can change their entire relationship with the people they love, the people they work with, the relationship with themselves. In order to do that you have to give up those assumptions, expectations, judgments, labels, etc. No box.
00:18:13 Imagine for a minute if you didn’t have a box and you’ve been living in a box for 40 years, 30 years, 52 years. You’ve been living in a box. You think it’s a nice box. It’s a pretty box. You like the box. When you first rip apart that box with no preconceived notions, no judging, no labeling, no assumptions, no expectations, etc., do you think you’re going to feel more vulnerable or less vulnerable? More vulnerable. Are you going to feel less safe or more safe? In the beginning, you’re going to feel less safe until this becomes an embodied scale, and then you’re going to actually feel more safe.
00:18:47 In the transition of learning a new skill, taking on a new coaching pattern, you are going to go through an area, a feeling of maybe less safe, more vulnerable, maybe even a little worry, anxiety. All your stuff is going to come up, and you must say to yourself, “Oh, it’s because I’m shifting. It’s because I’m changing.” Those feelings aren’t meant to stop you. Those feelings are just notifications just notifying you. Hey, by the way, this is new. That’s all it’s doing. When you can really get that in your head and heart, you could also transfer that by your questioning with your Clients.
00:19:26 If you can support your Client in understanding that anytime they make a change they’re going to go through something scary. They’re going to want to run in their box of preconceived notions. If you can teach them, train them, coach them to no longer run in the box, but instead “Speak with No Preconceived Notions,” to give up that judging, labeling, expectations, and assumptions, then everything changes. Their life changes immediately, drastically, for good. This is the good news. This is the good news.
00:20:03 QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Let me get to the question. I’m answering this particular question because it has preconceived notions. The question is: “Is it possible to run a coaching business when you have kids in a family?” It’s fascinating. That question is loaded. It’s a loaded question. It seems like an easy question. “Is it possible to run a coaching business when you have kids in a family?” Well, the easy answer is yes of course it is. People do it every day. That’s the easy answer, but I want to individualize it. I want to personalize it. I want it to make it about my Client. I don’t want it to be a yes-no answer. I don’t want to be in black and white. I want to be in gray. I want to find out for my Client if it works.
00:20:50 Yes, is it possible to run a coaching business when you have kids in the family? Yeah, the answer is yes. Is it possible for my Client to do it? I don’t know that. I’ve got to ask a lot of questions with my Client to determine if that would work for them or not. I would have to ask them about what their daily routine is, and what experience they want to have with their children, and what would coaching look like, and where would they do it? Will it be on the phone, or on Zoom, or Skype, or in-person? What would that look like?
00:21:21 I would want to break it down because I’ve got to help my Client figure out if they want to add that into the life they already have. Some people the answer is yes, and some people the answer is no. The overarching answer, black and white answer is yes, of course, a person can have a coaching business with kids in the family, but it may not be the right answer for my Client.
00:21:42 If you walk in with a preconceived notion that a lot of people have a coaching business with the kids and family, your Client is sitting there saying, “I don’t know how I can do it. I don’t think I can do it.” You’re having a “judgment,” like, “Well, yeah, you can do it. Here, I’ll show you how.” You’re not really addressing their underlying fear, their core challenge what we call in Fearless Living® the “Wheel of Fear.” You’re just saying, “Oh, come on, you can do it.” Doing that fake cheerleading like, “Oh, you can do it. No, you can totally have a coaching business with family and kids.” I don’t know that. I do not know that. I don’t know how much their partner travels or not travels. I don’t know if they’re raising their kids by themselves. I do not know.
00:22:22 Do you see how every question becomes multilayered? We’ve talked in Season One about layered questions. I answered a question about layered questions in Season One, and I invite you to go back and listen to that. I don’t remember what Episode it is in, but I’ll put it in the show notes. Your job is to know that there is no yes or no. There is no black and white. Is it possible to run a coaching business? Of course, yes, it’s totally possible. Is it possible for my Client? I don’t know that. Is it possible for you? I don’t know that.
00:22:56 Do you see how you really have to ask 3, 5, 10, 15, 20 questions maybe to help first the person, the Client in front of you, your child, your partner, your business boss, your colleague? Really find out what’s right for them. That takes effort. That takes willingness for you to get out of the box as a Coach and not treat them as if they’re dumb, or stupid, or what’s their problem? Of course, you can. There is no “Of course, you can.” There is no “Of course, you can” as a Coach. You don’t know if they can, and you don’t know if it’s right for them. They only know that. The way they’re going to discover that is through the questions you ask them to help them uncover what’s really true for them.
00:23:43 “Speak with No Preconceived Notions.” It is definitely a spiritual philosophy. It is definitely something that will expand your world beyond belief, and it is definitely harder than you think. The way our brain works is to immediately judge and label to save energy. If I say I don’t like blue and somebody has a blue shirt on then I can just eliminate them. It’s easy. I don’t have to get to know them.
00:24:17 If I don’t have criteria, blue shirt, no blue shirt, then I actually have to ask questions. Then I actually have to discover. That takes energy. I want you to know right now that judging, and labeling, assumptions, expectations, maybe you’ve judged yourself in the past for doing that, maybe you’ve put yourself down, maybe you’ve had negative self-talk about that. Well, I want you to release that. I want you to be able to just think for a minute, just see for a moment, to embrace for just a moment that it’s actually how we’re hardwired.
00:24:50 We can change it. We can change anything, almost anything I should say. It’s the way our brain saves energy. You can take off the guilt, the shame, the blame, the putting yourself down, “I’m a bad person” stuff because it’s the way your brain is wired. You have to retrain your brain in order for it not to do it. That takes effort, i.e., energy. Instead of using zero energy saying, “No blue shirts,” now you might use one section of your energy. You might need two sections of your energy.
00:25:26 The example is, “What if we had 10 sections of energy; 10 pieces of energy.” It might take you two pieces of energy to discover if the blue shirt person is someone you want to get to know or not. It might take effort. It’s the same as online dating and jobs and discovering what you want to do in your career. All that takes effort, and because we’re hardwired our Clients and ourselves unconsciously take the easy way out but that creates a box. Your Client, and maybe you are living in one.
00:26:07 I can’t wait until our next Episode together. Next time, we are going to be talking about “Speak to Actions Versus Stories.” That is Skill Six. I will look forward to seeing you next week on MasterCoachMindset.com podcast. If this impacts you, if this is making you wake up, if this gives you some insights and ahas, please share this podcast with a friend. Please go to iTunes and subscribe and review.
00:26:44 That’s the way that more people have access to it. The more people that subscribe to Master Coach Mindset, the more people that review it, then to iTunes it means that this is a good podcast, and therefore it shares it more. The way to make sure that other people are hearing this information, so that we all can walk around with no preconceived notions and have more open-mindedness, more open-heartedness, the way we can change the structure of brains is by sharing this podcast. Please share this in your Facebook group, tell a friend, etc. The more people that know coaching skills the better life will be for all of us.
Until next week, Be Fearless.