Listen to the full episode here.
00:00:47 Hey, Rhonda Britten here at Master Coach Mindset™. I am so excited that you have decided to join me for Part Two of Coaching Skill Four: “Speak As If They Can Do It.” I just had so much to say last time. I didn’t even get to answer the question of the day. Today I’ve decided to answer two questions to make up for it. Let’s start off with a question and then keep talking about speaking as if they can do it. You want to do that? Shall we raise our hand and get that question out of the way?
00:01:19 The question I was going to answer last Episode that I never got to because I was on a rant because it matters to me. I think one of the things that happens when people are told, “Oh, you’re already a Coach. You don’t need to get training.” I think one of the main things they do is give fake cheerleading because that’s what we do to so many. We just go, “C’mon, you can do it. I really believe in you. You can do it.” That’s what we’re taught to do. We’re not taught to go into the guts of the disbelief.
00:01:58 As a Coach, you have to be brave enough to go into the guts of the disbelief so that you can excavate it and literally grab it by its roots and show it for the lie that it is. If you just fake cheerlead, then the roots are still well intact, and they’ll be having that internal battle the rest of their life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to support my Clients in perpetuating a battle within themselves that has them go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth whether they believe in themselves or not.
00:02:30 I think that is one of the things that we do in friendship because, again, we’re told and taught, I know I was, not to go into the murk and mire, not to go into the mud with them. Instead, just be like, “No, c’mon, I really believe in you. Remember the time you did that, and remember the time you did this. You did it.” They’re going to be like, “Yeah, you’re right.” It feels like fake cheerleading works. That’s the seduction of it.
00:02:56 It feels like fake cheerleading works because when you say to a Client or friend, “No, remember the time, and then remember this time. You can do it, c’mon.” They’re going to be like, “You’re right. I know you’re right.” I’ll say the word. It gives us the illusion that they’re buying into our fake cheerleading, but what you’re really doing is having them go underground even more because they don’t have a safe place to actually talk about their disbelief.
00:03:28 When we talk about “Speak As If They Can Do It,” as the Coach, as the therapist, as the boss, as the parent, we’re not afraid of their disbelief. We know disbelief is part and parcel of being human, that it’s part of the journey of humanity, and we don’t have to stay there, and we can learn skills and tools to help us move through it, and we can honor it. As a Coach, you cannot be afraid of your Clients’ feelings. That’s why we buy into “Speak As If They Can Do It” because it’s just the easiest thing to do, and our Clients feel like, again, they’re buying in, but they’re really not. They’re not really buying in.
00:04:12 We want, again, excavate the roots. We don’t want to just cover them over. That’s why “Speak As If They Can Do It” feels like an easy skill to do as a Coach, but it’s actually where the real work is, where the guts are just like Eight Coaching Skills. All Eight Coaching Skills bring the Coach and the Client to a place where they’re talking about the truth. They’re not talking about fantasy. They’re not talking about the impossible. They’re talking about possible. Even if the first idea in their head feels impossible, we can talk about it through the lens of possible.
00:04:56 Again, we’re going to talk about possibility as another skill in a future Episode, but “Speak As If They Can Do It” is a critical component of that. That’s why in the last Episode 10 I did a rant because this I think is such a seductive one that most people skip over because it feels like our Clients are buying in, but I guarantee you they are not. They are not buying in, and they will repeat this pattern over, and over, and over again until you grab the roots and pull.
00:05:34 This is why this skill is so critical. It literally will have your Client learn how to believe in themselves even when they don’t believe in themselves. Believe that they’re going to get through it even if they don’t when or how, but they fundamentally know they can.
00:05:58 I think if you really believe that you can get through anything, or move through anything, or make anything happen no matter how long or arduous the journey is, that’s where you get peace of mind. I don’t know about you, but I want peace of mind, and I want my Clients to have peace of mind. We’re all going to have problems. I have problems, you have problems, we all have problems. We all have situations that we want to move through, we all have all obstacles to overcome, etc. We can say it in whatever cliché phrase you want.
00:06:34 Just because I have peace of mind it doesn’t mean I’m not having problems at the same time. Peace of mind is separate from problems, and difficulties and challenges. You can still have peace of mind while you’re going through divorce. You can still have peace of mind when a death of a loved one, you can still have peace of mind when you’re battling your weight, you can still have peace of mind. Peace of mind is separate from the difficulty and situation.
00:07:02 When we talk about “Speak As If They Can Do It,” you’re actually teaching, training, coaching your Client on how to do that, but you have to know how to do it first. You have to learn this skill. If you don’t learn this skill, you’re not going to be able to give this skill. Let’s answer that first question.
00:07:30 QUESTION OF THE DAY PART ONE:
“Why do so many Coaches take a training and don’t end up actually coaching? In my experience, a lot of students don’t finish their coaching programs feeling prepared. What have you noticed?” I’m going to answer the first part of this question first. Why do so many Coaches take a training and don’t end up actually coaching?
00:07:52 I think any coaching and training is supporting two different things in your life. One is your own personal journey, and then the other is creating a business. I think those two things benefit from Coach training. I think every Coach program has people that never become Coaches, but they use it every day in their life. It’s not about going through a coaching program. Students of mine they go through my coaching program, and a percentage go on and build their businesses, and another percentage never intended to open their business. They never had a desire.
00:08:24 I have teachers, doctors. I have one doctor that came to our LCCP (Life Coach Certification Program™) because she knew she had bad bedside manner, and she was getting reprimanded from her higher-ups. She took our intensive Life Coach Certification Program to learn how to become a Coach so that she could coach the mothers, and fathers, and cousins and aunts of her children. She worked in a children’s hospital. Still works in a children’s hospital. Moved them through this difficulty with their baby having a terminal illness or a catastrophe.
00:09:06 She wanted to get better skilled at that, so she’s not going to go out and put a coaching shingle out. Maybe she will when she retires, but that wasn’t her desire to go through the coaching program. I’ve had other people: parents, teachers, ministers. They have no intention of becoming a Coach because they already have a job that they love, and they want to learn coaching skills so they can do it better. I would say a certain percentage of every coaching program has people that are doing it really for their own personal benefit, and then there are a certain percentage of people that are doing it because they want to open a business.
00:09:41 Now, I think what this question is really asking is what about those people that really want to open a business but never do? I think “Speak As If They Can Do It” is one of the critical components of that because that’s never been addressed, so they just don’t have the time, and they don’t have the energy, and they’re tired, whatever their rational reasons that they’re using to not build their business. The reason they joined the coaching program was to have a business because they wanted to maybe make more money, be in control of their finances, be in control of their time, and then they don’t do it.
00:10:12 I want to go back. I think a certain percentage of people join the coaching programs because there is no intention of being a Coach and opening their business, but the fact is that there is a certain percentage, and too high, of people that go through coaching programs that have a desire to open a business, but they never do. So “Speak As If They Can Do It” is, again, part and parcel of that.
00:10:35 They don’t know how to get through their own excuses. They don’t know how to get through their “self-doubt,” they don’t know how to believe in themselves, and they don’t have a support system in place to help them do that. Sadly there are over 800 coaching schools. I would say 795 coaching schools out of 800 do not properly prepare a Coach to build a business or properly prepare them to actually be a good Coach.
00:11:04 They’re graduating from programs, and if you don’t feel confident and prepared, you’re not going to go open a business. This is what makes me so mad. I think coaching programs, on the whole, make it your fault, like they say, “We’ve given you everything to be successful. You’ve got everything you need to be successful.” I don’t know why my nose is itching so much, but it is itching like crazy. This is the third time I think I’ve itched it this Episode. Somebody is thinking about it. While I appreciate it, my nose is itching like crazy.
00:11:35 What I think happens really is I think there’s 800 coaching programs in the world today and 795 of those tell you that they’re giving you everything you need to be successful when, in fact, they’re not. Then you graduate from the program, and you’ve been told for the last three months, six months, nine months, whatever, however long the program is you have everything you need to be successful. Then you get out of the program, and you graduate, and you’re like, “I don’t feel like I have everything to be prepared,” but they’ve told you they’ve given it to you, so now you blame yourself, “Oh, I must not be good at it. I must not know what I’m doing. I don’t know. I’ll do it later.”
00:12:09 I think the lie of the coaching industry is that coaching programs tell you they give you everything when 795 out of 800 do not. There’s five max good coaching programs out there. As I’ve said before, if there’s not that opportunity to have one-on-one mentoring, if there’s not an opportunity to have powerful partners and support teams, if there’s not an opportunity to have proprietary work, so you’re unique and different than all the Coaches out there, there’s certain things that need to happen in order for you to feel like you’re prepared. You need to be coached, you need to be mentored, you need to have somebody listening to your tapes. You need that in order to know that you’re getting it.
00:12:56 That’s the real reason I think people that go into a coaching program don’t ever open a business because they don’t feel prepared because they’re not prepared, but they’ve been lied to. I don’t think the coaching programs are purposely lying to them. I just think most coaching programs aren’t run by people who have their own coaching practice. I think most coaching programs are run as a business, and the person on top has actually never had one-on-one Clients and have never built their own practice except enroll you in their coaching business.
00:13:34 If I were you, I would look for a coaching program and, of course, I encourage you to go to LifeCoachCertificationProgram.com to check ours out. Any program you look at, look at the person who’s leading it. Have they actually been in the trenches and had their own coaching practice beyond helping people build a business for coaching or, i.e., enroll people to become Coaches.
00:13:58 I’ll say one other thing that a lot of coaching programs now sadly are a class that they created for the public, or for business, for whoever, and then go, “Oh, another stream of income. I’ll just have a certification program.” Then they add a “certification” program on top of their class, and you just have to pass a test or maybe do a couple of things. That’s not teaching you how to coach at all.
00:14:24 Hopefully, Master Coach Mindset is opening your mind to what coaching really could be, to really what it’s meant to be. You’re meant to really support people at their high, and low points and everywhere in between. You must have the courage to help that disbelief become belief using the skill that we’re on today “Speak As If They Can Do It” because your Clients will catastrophize. They’re like, “Oh, I can’t do it. Nothing ever works out for me. Everything’s horrible.” They’re going to do that. Again, knowing that’s just part of the normal process of stepping into a big goal, stepping into a big dream, stepping into something new. That might be just part of their process.
00:15:15 As I beat it into you last Episode, do not fake coach. You’ve got to be willing to stand with them and hold their hand. As I tell my Coaches, I stand for their soul until they can stand for it themselves. I hold the hand of my Client in order to support them to become self-sufficient, to become independent, to become somebody who knows where to find the answers, how to find the answers, how to get to the bottom of things, how to be with their families, emotional management, etc. That’s question one.
00:15:53 When your Client is catastrophizing, let’s just go back to that for a minute, you want to make it okay to fail, and your Client’s going to be like, “Well, I don’t want to fail.” Of course, you don’t want to fail, of course. Let’s talk about failing. One of the things that takes away the scariness about failing is when you are not afraid to talk about it with them, and ask them questions about it and have them get used to looking at the worst case scenario. I mean really looking at it, not just going, “Oh, what’s the worst case scenario?” Then going, “Well, what’s the percentage of that happening?” “Well, 5%.” “Great. Let’s say, worst case scenario happens, and it completely fails, and you lose $10,000. Now what?”
00:16:42 What’s one thing that could come out of it? What are the costs of that? What are the benefits of that? What are the good things about learning how to fail? Your Clients cannot be afraid of failing, or they’ll make poor decisions. You cannot be afraid of failing because you’ll make poor decisions. Failing, first of all, is an illusion because you and I both know that even in the midst of failing we’re learning important lessons, learning more about ourselves, coming to terms with where we need support and what we’re not facing.
00:17:18 For me personally, everything that we do with our Clients, everything I do with my own life is really part and parcel of my spiritual journey. I believe being a Coach and having a business is a spiritual journey. It will cause you to wake up and become who you’re meant to be more than any other thing because you’re going to be facing yourself through facing your Clients every single day. So catastrophizing, ask them, “Are you making it up or is it a fact?” Or, “Have you ever been wrong before?” Again, what’s wrong with failing? These are some of the questions that you can ask your Clients in the midst of them not believing in themselves.
00:17:51 This is what I know to be true of the foundation of “Speak As If They Can Do It.” I do not know what my Client’s destiny is and what they’re made of. Many times my Clients don’t know what their destiny is and don’t know what they’re made of. My job is to help them start understanding, and embodying, and integrating and being in the presence of their true nature, their essential nature, who they really are. Help them have the courage, the tools, the skills, the softness, the vulnerability, all of it. Every feeling is okay so they can live their destiny, and that they can know what their purpose is, and they do know what they’re made of.
00:18:35 Life is meant to help us discover those questions. When you “Speak As If They Can Do It” and you do it in a fake cheerleading way, they’re never going to discover those answers. If you don’t believe in yourself, then “Speak As If They Can Do It” to yourself. Use these skills for yourself. Remember, we want to do it for ourselves in our own life, so that we can do it better for our Clients.
00:19:02 We all know that every problem we have as a Coach is going to show up in our Clients. We know that. How many times have I coached my Clients brilliantly and, as I’m coaching them, I’m like, “Oh, this is for me.” Yeah, this is for me. Your job is to believe in them so that they can believe in themselves, but you’re not going to do it through fake cheerleading.
00:19:28 There are so many roadblocks to this, and I understand. Obviously, I can only go so deep on a podcast compared to what I can do in Fearless Conversations™ Workshop. If this entices you, if this interests you, if you want to get this stuff, then meet me over at Fearless Conversations Workshop. Come to the event because, again, I can only do so much here in a podcast, but when you’re in front of me live we can do so much more. Let’s answer that second question because I promised you two questions today.
00:19:58 QUESTION OF THE DAY PART TWO:
“You and I spoke a while back when I had my very first Client. I was really frustrated that he hired me for certain goals then totally shifted his goals to something I knew he didn’t want then shifted them back. You mentioned that this is pretty normal pattern for Clients to go through. Can you please elaborate on that, and how can we as Coaches keep Clients on track when they insist they want something that’s so clearly not the right thing for them to do?”
00:20:27 First of all, that’s none of your business. Let’s say the Client says I want to go to A goal, and they’re going towards A goal. While they’re going on that track of A goal, B pops up, or C pops ups or D pops up. Sometimes you have to veer to B, and C and D to really get the skills and tools you need for A. We’re not going to be the ruler over whether our Clients go for A, B, C or D, but we can ask the tough questions in order to “suss” out whether B, C or D are really their next best step.
We have to “challenge” them through questioning like, “Okay, so wait a minute, I just want to review. What is the goal that you came to coaching with?”
“Well, I told myself that I wanted to triple my income.”
“Okay, great. And so now what are you telling me your goal is today?”
“Oh, now I want to start dating.”
“Okay, so tell me how dating and tripling your income have to do with each other. Tell me how dating came up on our way to tripling our income.”
“Well, I really realized that it’s not about the money, it’s about love.”
00:21:39 “Okay, so tell me how dating is going to support you in tripling your income.”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“If you start dating, does that mean you’re going to drop the tripling your income? Do you still want to do that, not want to do that? Tell me where you are with that.”
“Well, I don’t think that’s important to me anymore.”
“Okay, so tell me what’s different about your life right now from this moment where we’re talking right now that you want to switch your goal, which is totally cool, and when we started first getting together? Because when you first started coaching, what did you tell me?”
“I told you I wanted to triple my income because I was sick of being broke, and I wanted to buy a house, and I wanted da, da.”
00:22:15 “Yes, you told me all those things, so are those still things you want, desire and need, or what’s different?”
“Well, I’ve decided that I’m okay in my apartment.”
“Okay, great. On a scale of 1 to 10, how well are you okay with being in your apartment?”
“Well, I mean, I’m only 42. I can be in an apartment. I can be in an apartment for the rest of my life. I mean, people in New York live in apartments their whole life.”
“Sure, yeah, I just want to remind you. You came to me and said buying a house is really important. Why did you say that to me?”
“Well, because A, B, and C.”
“Has that shifted?”
“Okay, convince me. Tell me how it has. I just want to make sure. I just want to check.”
“Well, blah, blah, blah.”
00:22:52 “Okay, what else?”
“Well, I told you that I tripled my income because I’m sick of being broke.”
“Oh, okay, you’re sick of being broke. You’re no longer broke?”
“Well, the income is the same.”
“Okay, so tell me how you define that now. How do you see your income right now?”
“I don’t know. I just think it’s okay for now.”
00:23:15 Do you notice I’m not saying they’re wrong or bad for switching their goals. Again, it’s not my business. It’s their business. They get to shift wherever they like. That’s their life. What I’m doing is I’m challenging through a series of questions to make sure they’re not tricking themselves and changing their goal because they’re scared to really go for the goal they want.
00:23:37 These are types of things that we ask when we are more confident, more masterful Coaches. Of course, in those moments when we’re doing that we’re making more impact, having more influence, and having more confidence and so are our Clients. Does that make sense? I don’t care if my Client changes their goal. How many times do we change our goal in our lifetime? How many times do we change our jobs? I think on average right now the average person changes their job eight times in their lifetime.
00:24:06 I’m just going to double-check that the time is now to change their goal, and how do the goals relate to one another, and how did they decide tripling their income was no longer what they were after but dating is. What happened? Something happened. My job as a Coach is to bring that secret, hidden, something happened to the forefront so that if they are going to change their goal, it’s conscious, they’re awake, and they’re saying yes to it.
00:24:35 If they start dating and three months later they come to me and go, “Oh my God, I’m broke again. I really do want to triple my income,” I go, “Okay, great. Let’s talk about that. What would happen if we just doubled our income or increased our income by 10% or 20%?” “Oh well, I don’t know. I just really want to triple it.” “Awesome. How about if we start at 10%, 20%? Would that get you to tripling it?” “Well, yeah.” “Okay, could you keep dating if you were doing 10%, 20%?” “Yeah, I think I could.” “Okay, let’s do it.”
00:25:07 Again, I’ll just say it. It’s none of your business what your Client’s goal is. If you don’t feel capable, or it’s not your niche, or it’s something like that, then that’s different. If you don’t feel like you have the skillset or, again, it’s not your niche, and you don’t want to coach Clients for that particular problem, great, then do the brave thing and give them a referral to another Coach. Then they are going to respect you for that because you’re not just keeping them, and you don’t feel confident about that arena.
00:25:42 If you’re a business Coach in tripling income, don’t start coaching them on dating. I’m a Life Coach. I can coach anything. Then don’t call yourself a business Coach. You’re just a Coach, and you coach business, relationships, everything. Your niche might be a business, but you can coach anything. If you don’t feel confident in coaching relationships, then refer it out. That’s how we build networks. That’s how we build connections. Refer it out. Give it to another Coach in their niche, help them grow, and they’ll do the same for you. Be generous, be generous, be generous.
00:26:19 “Speak As If They Can Do It”. If this has built your curiosity, if this is something you’re like, “Oh gosh, I want to learn how to do this better,” like I said earlier, join me at Fearless Conversations Workshop. I teach it a few times a year. I’m going to tell you, you’re not going to regret it. You’re going to be so excited when you leave that workshop because everything we talk about here at Master Coach Mindset is embodied at the workshop.
00:26:44 I am so excited for you to go MasterCoachMindset.com, find out about Fearless Conversations, sign up for the next workshop, and I’m knowing that you and I face-to-face can do so much more than I can ever do on this podcast. Yes, this podcast is a great first step. If you’re not quite ready to go the workshop, then join me in the membership area because that has worksheets in it to help you embody and integrate.
00:27:10 These are the steps you can take. You’re listening to the podcast, and you might be saying to yourself, “What’s next?” Well, what’s next is membership. Go over to MasterCoachMindset.com, join the membership, so you get those worksheets, so you can start embodying and integrating. If you’re ready to really dive in and meet me one-on-one in that workshop, we’re going to be doing some great coaching, and you’re going to be able to practice one-on-one with Coaches, with Clients, with other people there so that you really embody these skills. That’s your pathway.
00:27:40 Listening to podcast is number one, the second thing is membership in the Insiders Club, and third is Fearless Conversations Workshop. I look forward to seeing you inside the membership, also at Fearless Conversations Workshop and our next Episode, Episode 12. We’re going to be doing the Fifth Coaching Skill. The Fifth Coaching Skill is “Speak with No Preconceived Notions.” It’s harder than you think. I’ll see you next week on Episode 12.
Until next time, Be Fearless.