Are you meant to be a life coach?

S02E10 – Speak As If They Can Do It [Part 1] – Full Transcript

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00:00:42 Welcome to Master Coach Mindset™. My name is Rhonda Britten, and I am so excited that you’re here because this means if you’re listening or watching, this means that you want to become the best Coach you can possibly be. If that’s true, you are my good friend because that’s what I have always wanted to be, the best Coach I can possibly be so I can give it to my Clients the best of me so they can become the best of them. I know if you’re listening to this podcast, I know the results, especially if you’re a member of the insiders club, is you are going to have more impact, more influence, and more confidence when you coach and beyond coaching. This doesn’t just impact your Client relationships; this impacts every relationship.
00:01:00 It impacts your partner, your spouse, your children, your coworkers, your boss, your family members, your mother, your father, all those lovely people. When you learn coaching skills, you actually become a more skilled communicator. I don’t know about you, but I believe that miscommunication is at the heart of all our heartbreaks, all of our suffering, and all of our disappointments. What we hear and what we filter. It impacts how we respond. We are going through the Eight Coaching Skills in this Season of Master Coach Mindset. I want you to become a better communicator so that miscommunication doesn’t increase your heartbreak. Here we go. What skill are we on this week? We’re on skill number four. In the previous Episodes, we’ve gone through: “Speak to Clarify” as skill three, “Speak to Innocence” as skill one. All of these skills, we’re going to go through eight of them in this Season of Master Coach Mindset, are all to support you in building a foundation to what I call the “Art of Coaching.” I can give you a list of 100 questions, but those 100 questions without the “Art of Coaching,” you’re not going to know what to ask, when to ask it, but more importantly how to ask it. That’s what we’re working on together now.
00:02:57 We’re on Episode 10, skill four. Skill four is “Speak As If They Can Do It.” This is a tricky one. If you remember in our previous Episodes, I’ve shared with you that I know if I was “Speak As If They Can Do It,” I’d be like, “Well I’d that.” I want to make sure you’re not doing something called fake cheerleading, or you’re not just a yes woman or man to your Client. There is a difference between speak as if they can do it from a foundational reality versus speak as if they can do it on a, “You can do it. You can really do, you can do it, you can do anything. Look at you,” that fake cheerleading. We want to talk about what does it really mean to “Speak As If They Can Do It,” and how do you coach a Client to believe in themselves again? Speaking as if they can do it is really about self-belief.
00:04:05 Do they believe that they can go forward in their dreams? “Speak As If They Can Do It” is you’re saying you believe in your Client and that this opens the door for them to believe in themselves. Speak as if they can do it is really about belief. Do they believe in themselves? Do they know they can do it? Do they trust themselves to do it? Do they believe they’ll be successful at it? I want to review fake cheerleading for just one minute because I really think this is where we get caught as Coaches. Especially if you haven’t had extensive training, you haven’t had a mentor, etc. You might have been given the indication that believing in somebody is literally saying to them they can do it. Literally like just going, “You can do it. No, you can do it.”
00:04:51 Imagine that you have a big goal and you have a big dream, and you have failed in some ways going for that dream or goal. You hire a Coach because you decide I’m going to go for it. I really want to get there. You’re having a down day. You’re having a, “I don’t know if I can,” and your Coach says to you, “You can do it.” If you’re having a down day and if you’re not believing in yourself that moment, don’t get me wrong it’s nice to hear that somebody believes you can do it, but it also feels like fluff, doesn’t it? It feels just like a bunch of BS. It feels like they’re just saying it to say it because it’s the right thing to say. When you do that with your Client, you lose all credibility, and it doesn’t increase their confidence, your Clients’ confidence, and their trust in themselves. It doesn’t make them believe in themselves.
00:05:53 Today’s Episode is all about, “Well then how do I do that, Rhonda? If I don’t just go, ‘You can do it.’ What do I do instead?” Well, that’s what we’re going to be talking about. I just want to give you a little tip on “Speaking As If They Can Do It.” First of all, it needs to be grounded in reality. If you say “you can do it,” how do you know they can do it? Because you just want to tell them they can do it, or do you have facts? Do you have proof that they can do it? It doesn’t mean proof and facts that they can do it. It doesn’t mean that they’ve already done it. Obviously, they’re going for a big dream they probably haven’t done anything like this. What have they accomplished in the past where they felt this same discouragement that they didn’t know if they could accomplish it, and then they eventually did?
00:06:45 You actually want to go into your Clients past and ask them about when they felt this way before. “Have you ever felt this way before? Have you ever felt like you want to give up and that you don’t think you can do it?”
“Well, yeah. Yeah, yes, I’ve felt that way before.”
“So, what did you do when you felt that way before?”
Some of your Clients are going to say, “Well, I gave up. I quit, I didn’t move forward. I didn’t know what to do.”
If they say that you’re going say, “Well, was there any times that you were able to move past that?” If they say, “No, I quit every time. When I have this feeling I just think I should quit.”
So if my Client said that to me, the next question I’d ask them is, “Well, do you want to keep doing that? Do you want to keep quitting whenever you have this feeling that you don’t believe in yourself? Is that the choice you want to make?”
00:07:34 “Well no. That’s why I hired you.”
“Excellent. So let’s think about this differently. Tell me a time in your life where you thought that you didn’t know whether you’re going to accomplish it or not, that didn’t know if you can be successful, but you ended up being successful. You ended up doing it. Tell me a time about anything. It could be a relationship. It could be when you were in high school. I don’t care what it was. When was there a time in your life where you thought, ‘There’s no way I can do this,’ or ‘I don’t think I can do this,’ or ‘I’m not sure it can do this,’ but you persevered, and you made it. Was there any time?”
Usually, my Clients will be like, “Well, yeah, but it’s dumb,” or “it was easy,” or “that doesn’t count because I had help.” Again, they’ll say something to dismiss it.
00:08:21 Or they might have the courage to go, “Well, yeah, there is a time.” Regardless of if they are making excuses for why it wasn’t successful or the fact that they were actually able to be successful, you’re going to grab onto that moment. You’re going to grab that moment and actually help your Client break it down. To help them know that they have reserves inside of them. There’s resolve somewhere inside of them. They have endured before. They have had courage before. They’ve had abilities to move past their obstacles before. I don’t care if it was 20 years ago, I don’t care if it was 30 years ago, and I don’t care if it’s about a small thing or a big thing. It doesn’t matter to me. I just need to help my Client figure out a time in their life when something faced them, and they weren’t sure that they could get through it.
[00:09:15] Remember I gave you another scenario just a few minutes ago, which is they said, “No, I’ve never been able to do that.” If that’s the scenario, “I’ve never been able to do it,” and you ask your Client as I said before, “Okay, so do you want to get past this?” Then they say, “Yes, that’s why I hired you.” You go, “Great. So let’s talk about three things that you can do, five things that you could do right now to help shift your mindset. Is it your mindset stopping you? You know what’s giving you the evidence that you can’t do this? What are you listening to inside your own head? What are you listening to outside of yourself from other people? What evidence are you looking at that says, ‘well, this is going to be a failure?'”
00:09:57 During this part of the “Speak As If They Can Do It,” notice I’m looking for evidence because that’s what I want to find. I want to find evidence of their ability to move past their obstacles, move past their negative mindset, move past their defeatism, move past their “I can’t do it.” I don’t care how small. I don’t care how big. I don’t care if it was 20 years ago; I just want to find a place where they were able to move past it. Does this make sense? In order to do this, it has to be grounded in reality. You have to create proof for your Client. You’re not going to create proof your Client; your Client’s going to create proof. By the questions you ask, they’re going to have proof. Then you’re going to have your Client write down that proof in an exercise that I call “acknowledgments.”
00:10:48 It’s “today I acknowledge myself for,” and it’s about any way that they’ve made progress. Any way that they’ve made even a tiny bit of progress in either their thinking, in their action, in their feelings, whatever it is. “Speak As If They Can Do It” is not fake cheerleading. It’s not like, “You can do it no matter what.” No, no, no. It is literally going, “Okay, got it. I hear you. How does that feel right now to think that you can’t do it?”
“Well, it feels crappy? I don’t like it.”
“Yeah, I bet. Do you want to keep feeling this way?”
“No.”
“Or have you felt this way before?”
“Yes.”
“Were you able to overcome it last time? Get passed it last time?” No, or yes, again whatever their answer is. What I’m doing as a Coach is helping them process through what happened in the past, and then help them brainstorm solutions in the future and right now, that is actually going to change the outcome. Does that make sense?
00:11:48 Progress, movement forward, tiny shifts, insights, all of these things we’re wanting our Clients to have a different … Let’s put it this way. We’re wanting our Clients to have a moment, a moment of them going, “Hmm, maybe I’m wrong about this.” If they have a moment that they could be wrong about it. That is your opening to go in and help them move beyond what they’re currently thinking about themselves, and what they’re thinking about this project, to actually be able to move forward and make it happen. The more and more we do this with every Session, this is the point, every Session your Client is going to come with a problem, and speak as if they can do it. Again, can’t fake cheerlead, because that does not build the foundational skills.
00:12:45 I want to find out: Have they done it in the past? Were they successful? If they haven’t done it or they have done in the past, but they weren’t successful. Either way, it doesn’t matter to me. I want you to hear that. It doesn’t matter to me if they’ve had success in the past or not. The fact that they’re bringing it to the table right now tells me that they have more willingness, more willingness to move past the things that have held them back in the past. I’m just looking for willingness. I’m just looking for a moment. I’m looking for a second for them to be like, “Well, maybe I’m wrong about this.” You could even ask the question, “Well, could you be wrong about this? What percentage of you believes that you should give up or you don’t believe in yourself? What percentage of you doesn’t believe in yourself? And what percentage of you does believe in yourself?”
00:13:34 “Well, 5% believes in myself, and 95% doesn’t believe in myself.”
“Okay. All right, so the 5% that believes in yourself, let’s talk about how we can increase that, and do you want to? So let me ask that first. Do you want to increase? Do you want to have more belief in yourself?”
“Well, yeah.”
“All right, so what percentage of you, 0%, 10%, 50%, what percentage of you wants to go for this dream still?”
“100%.”
“Okay. Now is that a 100% completely devoted and committed, or 100% ‘well if I was able to do it and if I was better and easier than I’ll do it?’ I mean, like, what really what’s your commitment level?” And you can use 1 to 10, or percentages again. If they’re coming to you saying they don’t believe in themselves, and they have a 100% or an on a scale of 1 to 10 a 10 commitment to make it happen, then I would ask them the benefits they’re receiving from not believing in themselves right now.
00:14:34 What are the benefits and what are the costs of not believing in themselves right now? Why would I ask those questions? Because I don’t believe the 100% they’re committed to making it happen. Now, again, maybe they are, maybe they’re not, but I’m going to test it out. I’m going to check it out. I want them to be free to tell me what percentage of them isn’t buying in, isn’t committed, isn’t on board. The more that they can tell themselves and me the truth, the more we can do something about it. Think about our first skill that we talked about “Speak as if they’re Innocent.” I’m not sitting there blaming my Client right now and going like, “Oh, come on, you can do it. Let’s just make it happen.”
00:15:25 That’s not allowing their feelings to be present and to be honored. It’s not seeing their innocence. It’s kind of bulldozing them. I bet we’ve all been bulldozed before, and told we can do something, or told that we better do something, or told ourselves that, “Well, if you really want to make that happen, you have to be 100% committed,” and we bulldozed ourselves. We ran over ourselves without really addressing the fears, and the worries, and the anxieties, and doubts. I want to be in a relationship with my Client where they have freedom to have all of that. They have freedom to be doubtful. They have freedom to worry. They have freedom to tell me that they don’t believe right now and I’m like, “Groovy.” I don’t buy in. I do not buy in when my Client is doubting themselves. I don’t buy in when my Client tells me they’re going to give up. I don’t buy in when they tell me they don’t believe in themselves. I don’t buy in.
00:16:31 If I buy in then all hope is lost. I don’t buy into their fears. I’m here to stand for their freedom. I’m here to stand for who I know that they can be, and are at their essence. I’m here to support them, guide them, coach them to get to the other side. I’m constantly creating a bridge from their past way of thinking about themselves to their future way. From where they’ve thought in the past, like, “I can’t do it. This is too hard,” to, “Oh, I just need more skills and tools.” I’m constantly bridging their automatic thinking, their reactive thinking to being proactive, powerful, impactful so that they can move forward in their life. I want you to focus on the progress and the process, not perfection. It does not move them forward.
00:17:33 Acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge. An exercise to do with your Clients on a regular basis is acknowledgments. As I said a minute ago today, I acknowledge myself. Today I acknowledge myself. Today, I acknowledge my self and acknowledging any movement forward. I don’t care if it’s this much, or this much, or this much. I don’t care. I only care that they can see a shift no matter how small, because if I can have my Clients see the shift, see the opening, see the opportunity to see that maybe they can do it, no matter what percentage it is, then I can help them kick the door open and change their life. I want you to anchor your support in the truth.
00:18:20 It’s not about, “you can do it without any grounding.” Everything we do as a Coach has to be grounded in reality, or the Client doesn’t buy in. I bet you’ve had Clients, and I know I’ve had Clients too, that know the “right thing” to say. They know the “right thing” to say is like, “Yes, I can do it.” They know the “right thing,” but the right thing is not the real thing, is not the true thing. We’re not interested in the right thing. We’re interested in the real thing, the true thing. We want to support them in the truth, and that’s why we ask questions about the past, why we ask questions about now, to get the reality of it. Ask that 1 to 10, ask that percentage, ask the cost and benefits, ask the pros and cons, so there’s some reality base in it. We’re not just, again, “You can do it,” and pretending like, “I believe in you.” You believing in them without grounded reality has no impact or power. I bet in actuality it’ll make them feel worse because they’ll feel guilty that you believe in them when they don’t believe in themselves. Everything has to be grounded in reality and truth.
00:19:28 Next thing I want to offer you to help you “Speak As If They Can Do It” is I want you to compliment their willingness to learn. I want you to highlight their willingness to learn and the fact that they’re on this call. If a Client said to me, “Well, I just can’t do it.”
I’d be like, “Really? On a scale of 1 to 10, again, how much do you think you can’t do it?”
“Well, I’m like, I can’t do it like a nine.”
“Oh, okay. So then, tell me what was your motivation to get on this call today? Why call?”
“Well, I was hoping you could change my mind. I was hoping that you could make it more.”
“Okay, got it. So, what if this is your job and not my job?”
“What?”
“Just wondering.”
00:20:019] What are you hearing, Client? What are you following, Client? What are you listening to, Client? If I get my Client to even have a little willingness, like 5% that they’re willing to shift, or 5% that they’re willing to change their opinions about themselves. Or 5%, 10%, any, 1%, I’ll take 1%, because if I can get 1%, I know I can increase it, period, end of story. I’m going to do it incrementally. I’m not going to do whitewashing. I’m actually going to support them long-term learning a skill, giving them tools so they can do this themselves for the rest of their lives. Imagine having a skill that you can anytime you don’t believe in yourself you can turn it around and believe in yourself again. Not by whitewashing, but by actual real step-by-step incremental changes. That to me is true empowerment. That is true personal power, because I’m at choice with that, and that’s the power of “Speak As If They Can Do It.” We don’t want to fake cheerleader.
00:21:22 We don’t want to be like, “Yes, you can do it.” We don’t want to do that. That is a disservice to our Client. I cannot emphasize that enough. We want to acknowledge every moment forward. We want to break apart their doubts and fears so that they can find a little tiny pathway out of that doubt and fear to be that willingness to actually shift their life. Use that 1 to 10 to measure progress, level of commitment, how much they’re feeling it, what feelings they’re feeling, and the degree of difficulty. Then you can talk to them about, “Well, okay, how do I move that up a level? What could you do? What’s one thing you could do? What’s one thing I could support you doing? Do you need help with that? Do you need to ask somebody for support? What will move you forward? What will move you forward?” They may not know that.
00:22:05 If a Client is constantly saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.” What’s a great question to ask them? “Well, what if you did know? What if you did know?” Another question to ask them is, “Wait a minute, how much of you doesn’t know? What percentage of you doesn’t know, and what percentage of you knows but maybe doesn’t want to say it?” More of them knows that doesn’t want to say it than doesn’t know. Another thing that I do with my Clients if they have a regular usage of the phrase, “I don’t know,” I actually take it away from them and tell them they can’t say it. They can’t say, “I don’t know” ever again. That’s another tool you can do. Yes, you can take away language from your Clients. You can say things like, “I’m going to clean up your language now. Let’s clean up your language. Would you like to clean up your language? Let’s clean up your language.”
00:23:00 We’re going to clean up their language by taking away the, “I don’t know.” Now, if they say “I don’t know” the first time I’m not going to take it away. I’m talking about if your Client uses a phrase and or a word on a regular basis for everything. If they always say, “I don’t know.” If they always say, “I can’t do that.” If they always say, “Oh, that’s not me.” If they always say, “I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m going to lose my friends.” You can take all of that away, and they have to come up with another way to frame it, and that actually opens their willingness. It kind of jars their … If you think about it, we want to jar the way that they operate. So they’re operating, everybody operates kind of like ding, ding, ding, ding one way. Ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:23:44 When we ask these questions, and kind of take away words, and ask degree of difficulty, or ask on a scale of 1 to 10 how committed they are, etc. etc. What percentage of them believes and what percentage doesn’t believe? Those types of questions. We’re actually making them stop and go, “What? I didn’t…” Remember, most of our Clients, when they’re in fear are thinking black and white. Asking these types of questions actually allows them to go into the gray. Masterful living, Fearless Living®, being a Master Coach, being the best Coach you can be is helping your Clients move into the gray. Black and white does not support our Clients. Gray supports our Clients, that they know, “Oh, 10% of me believes, and 90% of me doesn’t believe.”
00:24:28 “Got it. Which part of you do you want to listen to? Which part of you do want to follow?”
“Well, 10% but its only 10%.”
“Awesome. I’m good with 10%. You good with 10%?”
“Well, I want more.”
“Totally get it. So, what’s the one thing that you can do right now with me in this moment that can move it from 10% to 15? 10 to 20?”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“All right, let’s brainstorm. Let’s think about it. What’s worked in the past? What have you seen other people use?” Again, it helps them start seeing their problems through the lens of, “I need a new skill, and I need a new tool.” That’s where I want our Clients to get to. I don’t want our Clients to think there’s something wrong with them. I want our Clients to know, “Oh, if I’m having a problem, if I’m having a difficulty, what I really need to do is I need a new skill, and I need a new tool. I need a new skill, and I need a new tool. That’s what I need.”
00:25:30 If you train your Clients through your coaching to see their problems through the lens of skill and tool, then it never becomes about them being wrong or bad ever again. Think about that. That’s pretty amazing. I did not get to a question today because I was on a roll. We’re going to do Part Two of “Speak As If They Can Do It” in our next Episode, and I will answer a question there. If you want to do this work and embody this work that we’re doing here at Master Coach Mindset, and more fully, more completely then I really invite you to join VIP Insiders Club. That way you’re going to get the worksheets that I create for every Episode to help you embody and integrate this.
00:26:24 Listening is awesome that’s the first step. Just like our Clients, just like our children, just like our colleagues, just like our boss, we want to actually be able to do this. Listening to me talk about it is nice, but in order to really do this, you actually have to practice it. One of the ways to practice it and start applying it to your life is using the worksheet that I create each week so that you know how to do that and what to do. Go ahead to MasterCoachMindset.com, join our membership, the Insiders Club, and then I know that that will help you in the core get what I’m talking about each and every week. I will look forward to seeing you in Episode 11 next week to go over the second part of “Speak As If They Can Do It,” as well as answer the question of the week.
Until then, Be Fearless.