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00:00:37 Welcome to Master Coach Mindset™. My name is Rhonda Britten, and I’m so excited for you to join me in today’s episode. We have so much goodness coming. Remember that every episode, I talk about the coaching tip as well as answer one of your questions, and right now, we’re in the middle of a 13 part series about the Master Coach Manifesto.
If you do not know what the Master Coach Manifesto is, I invite you to go to episode zero and listen to that right now, and/or go to MasterCoachMindset.com and download the Master Coach Manifesto, because it is 13 lines that I believe that, as Master Coaches, we want to adhere to.
00:01:16 These are some of the things that we want to know that we’re living by while we’re coaching. Not only ourselves, of course, because we’ve secretly got to do that anyway, but the world, and our clients that come to us, right? To solve their problems, to solve their biggest issues, to solve their heartbreaks, to help ease their pain and suffering. That’s what we get to do every day.
There is no greater honor and no greater joy for me than to coach a soul, to watch that soul unfold, and you probably have a similar feeling, whatever your focus is, your niche is, whatever you call it. I’m knowing, if you’re like me, some of the greatest joys you have is watching that client, that light bulb turn on, that “a-ha” moment, that insight, them taking off into action and literally turning themselves back on and into the world.
00:02:05 So, like I said, we’re in the middle of a 13 part series. Today is episode nine, it’s the ninth line in the Master Coach Manifesto, and I really invite you to make sure that you listen to all 13 episodes so that you can really get the depth and breadth of what this Master Coach Manifesto means. Because when you read it, you’ll be like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah” doesn’t help, right? Because if we’re not really living it, the “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah” doesn’t help us.
00:02:36 That’s what our clients do, right? They go, “Yeah, I get it, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, I know that part, uh-huh,” and then you say, “Well, are you living it?” “Well, no.” Well, if they know it and they’re not living it, they don’t know it. Intellectually, they have the information, but they actually don’t know what it means. So the Master Coach Manifesto, for me, helps keep me on the right track of what matters to me and keeps me focused on where I want to go and who I want to be as a Coach. It’s my mindset.
00:03:02 So let’s go to line nine of the Master Coach Manifesto. And again, this is a 13-part series, and we are on number nine. “A Master Coach speaks to their client’s innocence, creating safety and deep healing, allowing their client to trust themselves again.” Nothing better than a client trusting themselves, and not out of a place of fear, but at a true place of authentic connection to their very own soul. So let’s read that again. “A Master Coach speaks to their client’s innocence, creating safety and deep healing, allowing their client to trust themselves again.”
You know, one of the greatest joys that I have working with clients one-on-one, private clients, as well as training coaches in my Life Coach Certification Program™, is watching somebody apprehensive, watching somebody unsure, watching somebody doubt, and have them move into a place of certainty, a place of focus, a place of trust. Because certainty isn’t about “I know everything, and I know how to do everything, and I’m amazing,” right? Certainty is just the next step, and certainty is just knowing who you are, right? It’s that certainty of purpose, certainty of choice.
00:04:44 So in a previous episode, I talked about how a client … You are not the solution to your client’s problem. You are not the answer to your client’s problem. They, as we know, are the answer to their own problem. Yet they can’t get there.
Many people, including myself … I have a Mentor, and I have a Coach. I can’t get there without thoughtful, impactful, and effective questions to help me have the “a-has,” right? Because I’m only seeing out of my own eyes, right? I’m only thinking with my own brain that I’m awake and aware too, and when somebody asks me an insightful and thoughtful and impactful question, it’s when I’m like, “Oh,” right? It makes me … And that’s what we’re doing for our clients. We’re asking them that question that unlocks a part of themselves that they’ve kept hidden away.
00:05:31 So the questions we ask, first and foremost, must be from a place of innocence.
Now, in just the last episode, episode eight, I talked a little bit about innocence, and I … It’s been a theme, if you’ve been listening to all the episodes up until now. It’s a theme. Like, innocence is a huge theme for me. I do believe it’s the fundamental aspect, the fundamental quality, the fundamental philosophy we need as a Master Coach, to really understand that our clients are innocent. Not from, again, an intellectual place, but from a real, deep understanding of how fear really works.
Because your client is not purposely sabotaging themselves, your client isn’t purposely resisting, your client isn’t purposely doing anything. They’re not purposely wrecking their lives, they’re not purposely not trusting themselves, they’re not purposely making bad choices.
00:06:21 Whenever a client starts beating themselves up, I’m like, “Did you purposely do that? Did you come up with a plan? Did you create three steps to make sure that failed, that you really sucked at that?”
You know, however they describe it to me, I’ll use the exact language. And they’re like, “Well, no.” I go, “Yeah, you didn’t purposely do anything. Fear had its way with you. Fear decided this for you. Fear is tricky, insidious, invisible. It’s as smart as you are, as knowledgeable as you are, as educated as you, and as spiritual as you are. It knows everything you know.”
Fear uses your spirituality against us, because we all know that meditator who meditates an hour a day and is still a jerk. We know people who are really, really smart, who are trainers and Coaches and amazing authors, but they cannot get themselves out of a paper bag. We know those people.
They have the book knowledge, but they do not see their own innocence. They do not give themselves a break. So when we can, interact with our clients. And I’m even going to take that word away, “interact with our clients.” When we walk in, when we show up on that phone, when we meet them in person, when we’re on that video call, however you coach, privately, groups, and again, you may be that manager, supervisor, human resource director, et cetera, parent …
But if you truly believe that your client is innocent, that they’re not purposely doing something, purposely, actively trying to ruin their own lives, making bad choices, and seeing their own innocence, then real change can happen, deep healing can happen, self-acceptance can happen.
00:08:27 See, in Fearless Living®, we believe that everyone’s just trying to get their needs met. The challenge is, we don’t know what our needs are, and we don’t know that’s what we’re doing. We’re trying to get our needs of respect met, and financial security. We’re trying to get our needs met of connection, belonging, community. We’re trying to get our need met of feeling important and valued. We’re just trying to get our needs met.
But again, we don’t talk like that in our human everyday language, and we don’t look to needs for the solution to maybe “why,” somebody is making a choice or taking an action that they don’t want to take, that they say they consciously don’t want to take, but they do it anyway. They’re just trying to get a need met.
00:09:20 And when you can really get clear that a client is just getting a need met, and they don’t know how to do it any differently than out of fear, then everything changes.
In my book Fearless Living, I talk about a client of mine, Vicky, and she came to me and said, “I want to … I have to decide, I have to make a decision.”
“Okay, and what’s the decision you need to make?”
“I have to decide whether I go back to school, or whether I open a business.”
“And I have to make it right now.”
Now, remember, we’ve talked in other episodes about you do not get caught up in your client’s urgency, you do not buy into their urgency, you do not buy into their desperation. The minute you buy into the urgency and the desperation, you are on the fear path with them. You are on your Wheel of Fear too. So you never buy in, you never buy into the urgency. “Gotta do it!” Never buy in. Doesn’t mean you don’t support them in taking action appropriately, but you don’t buy in.
00:10:36 So my client, Vicky, has to make this decision, she says she has to make it now.
And I said, “Okay, so why now? What do you mean, you have to make it now? You know, why do you have to make it now? Tell me a little about that.”
“Well, I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life, and I don’t want to waste another minute.”
“You’ve wasted time in your life?”
Now, again, if I see my client’s innocence, right, if I’m here and I really see my client’s innocence, I actually know there’s no such thing as wasting time. That’s part of seeing innocence; there’s no such thing as wasting time. Yeah, you might want to write that down, “there’s no such thing as wasting time.” So when a client says to you, “I don’t want to waste any more time,” again, don’t buy in, don’t buy in, don’t buy in.
00:11:18 So when she said, “I don’t want to waste more time,”
I’m like, “Wasting time, what do you mean? How did you waste time?”
“Well, when I was in college, my boyfriend was in a band, and he dropped out for a quarter and wanted to travel with his band, and so I traveled with him. And, you know, I just wasted time, and I ended up not going back to school for two years, and so I’m really behind.”
“You’re behind? So, tell me, what need were you trying to get met? What were you there with your boyfriend for? Like, tell me about that.”
“Well, I just wanted to be with him, and I loved him, and la la la la. But we didn’t get married, so it was a waste of time.”
00:12:01 “Oh, I see, so you’re saying to me … Let me just get clear on this. So you’re saying to me because you didn’t get married, that was a waste of time.”
“So if you would have gotten married, would that have been a waste of time?”
“So I just want to get clear. So, because you didn’t get married, that’s a waste of time, but if you would have gotten married, it wouldn’t have been a waste of time?”
Pause, pause, pause. “Yeah, if I would’ve gotten married, it wouldn’t have been a waste of time.”
“Hm. So you’re saying to me that — I’m just trying to get clear — that your time … It sounds like you’re … And again, I’m not sure here, so help me out. You’re deciding whether time is worthy or not, or worth it or not, based on your result? Is that what I’m hearing?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, if it doesn’t get me what I want, then I wasted time.”
00:12:53 “Oh, okay. So then, what happens to practice, or trying something new, or … Can you do that?”
“Well, I have to be good at it.”
“Okay, so I’m just getting clear, so you’re saying to me — please correct me — if you don’t get the result you want, then your effort up until that point was a waste of time. Is that correct?”
“Okay, and then I asked you about, can you practice or try something new? Is that possible? And you said, ‘Well, I have to be good at it.’ So again, I’m going to go back to the question. So, can you try things new? Can there be something new? Can you try and be bad at something, like really crappy?”
“Well, it’s really hard for me.”
00:13:45 “Okay, got it. So let’s go back to the boyfriend and the “waste of time.” What do you think your need was? What need were you trying to get met? What were you getting during that time with the boyfriend?”
” Well, I was getting love, I thought.”
“Okay, so you were getting love. Is that a need you have, that you want to feel loved, and give love, and receive love, and share love?”
“Hm, so you’re getting your need met. Is that correct, or am I off?”
“Yeah, I guess I was getting my need met.”
“Hm, so you’re just getting your needs met. Did you know any other way to get your need met in that moment?”
“Yeah. So let’s go back to the question you had when you came here: open your business or go back to school, don’t want to waste time. What need is this decision trying to get met?”
“Well, I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t want to waste more.”
“I get it, and what need is that?”
00:14:52 So your client is going to want you on the train with them, their urgency train, the “I’m a crappy person” train, the “I wasted time” train. They’re going to want you to believe them. Don’t. Don’t believe them. See their innocence. See their innocence. See their innocence, and know that they’re just unconsciously … Their amygdala, right, their lovely amygdala, the way our brain works, our neurobiology is all about safety. “Gotta stay safe, stay safe, stay safe, stay safe.”
“So I want to make the right decision, so I don’t waste time, because that keeps me safe. I want to make this other choice, maybe, but I don’t know the results of that, and I don’t think I can get there, so, can’t do that, because that’s not safe.”
One of the core needs we all have as human beings, and your client too, is safety, and if your client doesn’t feel safe, they’re going to pick the fear-based choice because it looks safer.
00:16:07 So remember a few episodes ago, I talked about the difference between a client’s problem and the opportunity at hand. This is an example of that as well, because they come with a problem, an issue, a dream, right? They want to make something happen, a goal, which, we love that, it’s a vehicle to transformation. That’s the vehicle we’re going to use.
Whatever problem they have, dream they have, that’s the vehicle for transformation. What we want to do, when we see their innocence, when we speak to them as if they’re innocent, when we truly believe they’re innocent — i.e., meaning we’re innocent too — what occurs is a deep self-acceptance, and a deep healing, and a deep willingness to find their own inner safety.
Your clients will take more risks, and your clients will achieve more dreams, if they are comfortable living in the unknown. So, again, a quote by Rhonda Britten is “The level of freedom you experience is equal to your willingness to live in the unknown.”
So the more free … The more you can live in the unknown, the more free you’re going to be, so your freedom equals your capacity to live in the unknown. Yeah, you might want to write that down. “Your ability to be free equals your capacity to live in the unknown.” That’s true for you and your clients, and for me. So when a client comes to you with that urgency, that desperation, “Gotta decide now, gotta make the right choice, gotta do it, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta,” then don’t get caught up, because you’re buying in to the fear.
00:17:59 Here at Fearless Living®, we talk a lot about safety, because fear gives us a false sense of safety, and our freedom gives us a true sense of safety, a true deep healing, so that we can trust our own decisions, trust our own gut, trust our own self. Make sense?
So again, I’m going to just use the quote of the day as your coaching tip, because it’s so critical.
Coaching Tip of the Day: The coaching tip is — remember, for your clients and for yourself and for me — your capacity to be free equals your capacity to live in the unknown. Your capacity to be free and make choices for yourself — trust yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself, act on your own behalf, be your best advocate — equals your capacity to live in the unknown.
If you must need results, like Vicky, “I needed to get married to prove that wasn’t a waste of time,” that is not innocence, that is not safe. Right?
00:19:04 I want to read it again, because I love it so much. “A Master Coach speaks to their client’s innocence, creating safety and deep healing, allowing clients to trust themselves.”
This is the first principle, the first foundational tool that we use in the Fearless Conversations Workshop, because without this innocence, without this acknowledging needs, without seeing the wholeness of the human being, we will get caught like they are, and then we will be acting as if we’re giving them powerful, impactful choices, but really, underneath it all, it’s still kind of being motivated by fear.
Because, again, fear can be a great motivator … You can write this one down too. “Fear can be a great motivator, but it will never let you be satisfied.” Fear can be a great motivator, but it will never let you be satisfied. And ultimately, on those two paths, that problem and the opportunity at hand, the opportunity at hand is innocence, and deep healing, and safety, and freedom.
00:20:16 Question of the Day: “If a client goes off on a rant and starts to get defensive, what do you suggest doing? Acknowledging it, ignoring it? How do I not get in my client’s stuff?”
Well, your job is not to get into their stuff. Your job is to be a reflective mirror, a place for them to act out, just like a child, if you want to … Let’s just use this child example. Child’s upset, what do you do? You just let them get all that energy out and vent, and do whatever they have to do, and then they …., right? And then they’re like, “Okay, I’ll eat that for dinner,” right? So your client’s the same. We’re no different. Doesn’t matter if we’re 55 or two. Doesn’t matter. We’re all just trying to work it out, right? We’re all just trying to work it out the best we can.
00:21:24 So if a client is going off on a rant and starts to get defensive, well, first of all, I’m going to teach him a tool called venting, and that will be your Fearbuster Coaching™ Exercise today, so make sure you download that.
Now, I know you think you know what venting is, but I’m going to tell you, here at Fearless Living, we do it a little bit different. So venting and complaining are different tools, so make sure that you get that exercise at MasterCoachMindset.com today.
Always, every single day of the Master Coach Mindset™ podcast includes a free Fearbuster Coaching tool, so make sure you download this one today, so that you can understand that ranting, is it venting or is it complaining? And you’ve got to know the difference in order to coach it effectively.
00:22:10 So let’s just say for a moment that it’s venting, and they’re just trying to get it off their chest. And again, I’m going to give you the tools of venting in today’s Fearbuster Coaching tool.
So let’s say they’re just getting it off their chest, and, like it said, “Do you ever feel” … Excuse me. “If a client goes off on a rant and starts to get defensive.” A client’s not going to get defensive unless you’re poking at them, so that’s one. I’m not saying that’s always true — a client can get defensive without you doing that — but if you’re making them at all feel wrong, and not seeing their innocence, they are going to get more defensive.
00:22:49 So if it’s about “Oh, I’m going to drink water every day,” and they’re not, and you say, “So, did you or did you not drink water today?”
“I didn’t drink water today, so what’s the big deal? I mean, I can’t drink water all the time, I’m working a lot. God, get off my back.”
“Okay, so I’m just a little confused. Do you want to keep that commitment, or don’t you?”
“Well, yeah, I want to keep it, but …”
“Okay, so I’m just unclear, I just want to make sure, so let’s just … I’m going to ask you one more time. Do you want to keep the commitment of drinking eight glasses of water a day?”
“Okay, awesome, so how do you want to go about doing that?”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“Okay, so how about one glass of water? How many do you drink now?”
“I drink three, and I think that’s plenty some days. I don’t see why I have to drink eight.”
00:23:35 “I get it, totally, and if you choose to drink three, I’m all for it. And you said to me that you wanted to drink eight, so I just want to check that.”
“Well, okay, I’d like to drink eight, I just don’t … I can’t get more than three out.”
“Okay, awesome. So you know where you are.”
“Okay. So, do you want to keep this commitment for this next week? Do you want to start moving it up to four? On a scale of 1 to 10, what are your chances that you could drink four glasses of water this week?”
“Well, I guess I could drink four.”
“Okay, let’s do that, then.”
“Well, but I want to drink eight.”
“I get it. And has that been easy for you?”
“No, it’s not. God. I’m busy. I mean, I know what you’re talking about, everyone’s so … wants me to drink these eight glasses of water. I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“Totally get that. Yeah, I’m with you.”
00:24:25 So, see how the client is just “blah,” all over the place, doing his thing, her thing, and I’m just staying true on what they say they want to make happen, right? And I’m going to let them dance to the right, and dance to the left, and get loud, and I’m just going to go, “I’m just a little confused. So, are you saying to me you want to keep this commitment or not?” So I’m just going to keep anchoring them to where they want to go, anchor them down to where they want to go.
00:24:51 So, do I … Am I a bad Coach if they don’t drink eight glasses of water a day? No. Are they a bad person or resistant if they don’t drink eight glasses of water a day? No. It’s just where they are.
Accept them where they are, see their innocence.
We’ve been talking about this in a few of the episodes so far, in this 13-part series of the Master Coach Manifesto. And can you just allow them to be where they are, and move them forward a little bit? Who cares about eight? Let’s get them to four. Heck, let’s get them to three without getting ranting and raving, right? So I don’t judge them. They hired me. I want you to hear this, I want you to really hear this. Get your brain awake. I want you to really hear this.
Every single client hired you to do something that’s difficult for them, and something they haven’t been able to do on their own. So again, whatever dream that is, whatever goal that is, whatever intention that is, whatever problem they want to solve, whether it’s moving forward, or getting something in the past get rid of, right? Whatever it is, your client is coming to you because they have an issue they want to solve, and they don’t know how to do it by themselves, because that’s why they need you.
00:26:15 So just the mere fact that they’re in relationship with you, that they’ve hired you, that they’ve given you money, that you work with them, and they’re your supervisor or manager, anyone, and you’re asking them, or they’re saying, “I want to do more, better,” do you think that’s going to activate their fear? Oh, yeah.
So every single client you are ever going to have is going to be triggered by, what I call in Fearless Living, their “Wheel of Fear™.” So they are going to rant and get defensive with you, or inside themselves, or something, but in order for them to shift from where they are to where they want to go, they must move through the ring of fear, what we call in Fearless Living the “Wheel of Fear.” They must move through that wheel, they must move past that ring.
00:27:09 So you pretending or thinking that’s not going to happen is a lie. It’s a lie you tell yourself, right? And then you blame your client for being bad or resistant. It is a given circumstance, your client is coming to you because they’re afraid. You’ve got to remember that, right?
So the more that we can see their innocence, that’s why it’s the number-one principle I teach in Fearless Conversations Workshop, the number one. I don’t care what other tools you have, if you don’t got this one. Your client, when they hire you, is literally giving you their heart and going, “See me. See me. See me.”
00:27:56 And that’s your job, to see the real person inside, the one in fear, the one afraid, the one scared, the one with their fingers bloody and torn. And you get to stand, you get to see, you’re unfazed, because you know they’re going to vent, and you know they’ll get defensive, and you know they’re going to freak out. They’ve hired you to help them do something that they haven’t done before. Of course that’s going to come up. I think of it as loving my clients; you can think of it any way you’d like. But I think my clients feel very loved.
00:28:55 So in today’s episode, remember we talked about innocence, I answered a very tough question, and I gave you some really good coaching tips and some quotes. I hope you take those to heart. And if you haven’t listened to the Master Coach Manifesto, get over to episode zero so that you can listen to it now, and make sure you download the Master Coach Manifesto at MasterCoachMindset.com. The next time we see each other, we will be on line 10. Remember, this is a 13 part series; we have 10, 11, 12, 13, we have four episodes to go. Let’s do this. I look forward to seeing you the next episode.